Tonight was our Tennaebrae service. It is often a special reflective time for me and tonight was no different. I was discussing various things with my Alexander teacher today - including a passing comment from her about my tendency to abandon myself. It struck me because they are words that Anj has used at various points so it was in my head for the rest of the day following my lesson.
Tonight during the service the words betrayal struck me afresh and I was conscious of needing to stay with that. As I stayed with that, the conversation from earlier in the day came back ... and they came together powerfully - my tendency to betray the body of Christ in the way that I abandon myself. And also my tendency to betray the body of Christ in the way I treat others in the body of Christ (often through the process of abandoning myself - my deep true self, my alive to God self).
It was an amazing centring time to mostly stay in silence as I helped pack up (i might become a quaker yet!; certainly time for some more silent retreats for me), very much staying in the place of not abandoning myself.
Also amazing was the lack of condemnation I felt as I had this realisation - a level of sadness, yes; but condemnation, no; more a sure knowledge of the invitation to life that the realisation is: an invitation to not betray the body of Christ but to choose life not death for the true, alive to God self in me and others.