Alone

I've been feeling my aloneness quite profoundly over these days/week. It's not loneliness - there are lots of ace people in my life. But as always, a holiday season has prompted in me a profound sense that I am at base alone i the world. At some levels it's a sense that is deepened by Mum's death but really it's been like this for a long time ... some of it is just that my family is REALLY small. And now it's just dad and me in our nuclear family and even in my next level out extended family just 4 people ... and we are spread over the country and dad is not in Melbourne during most holiday seasons. So aloneness at a deep level.

It's been good to cry out to God in the midst of that and to know his presence but for it not to take the realness of the aloneness away - and that is good, as much as I just wanted it taken away, I know that life only comes through facing truth and facing the death that truth speaks .. it's only then that new life will somehow, sometime emerge.

One of the things I wrestle with in all that is what does it mean to not indulge myself in these feelings but also to not allow busyness or anything else to cover over them ... I think I'm learning more about that balence than I ever have before. A friend had a spiritual director who met her for the first time the other day ask her if her depression was an indulgence - the words made her ponder, and they have made me ponder too.

I'm in a hard spot but in that feel I am doing well ... though it is agony.