In many ways I do feel like I'm moving into a different place in the grief zone. I've certianly got more energy and the fog/blur is lifting. But there is still so much to process. And over the last couple of weeks I've been processing the cause of mum's death and autopsy report. They have said the cause of death was a stroke in a lady who had very high levels of alcohol in her system and that a secondary cause of death was high blood pressure.
It's been interesting to process that and more specifically the autopsy report. I wasn't surprised to find that she had significant alcohol in her system - I'd suspected that some of the strange behaviour from her was connected with alcohol, so in some ways it's all confirmation of what I thought - that's nice in a strange way. But the amount was and is shocking - .28 in her blood, and that's probably a lower amount than was actually there at the time of her death. There is also evidence of numerous strokes of different ages and dad now thinks he saw some of those. There is also evidence of some pulminory stuff either as a result of the stroke or the alcohol. And now that I have a sense of how much she was drinking, I certainly don't think this situation was in any way a one off.
So how do I feel? Sad, vindicated, angry, at peace, like truth is known.
But it's wierd to think that these are the actions mum had ended up in.
It so makes me want to choose widely different paths with the things that are struggles for me.