27th July

I hadn't planned how I would spend yesterday - like I hadn't thought out clearly "what do I need to do on the anniversary of Paul's death". This is something I will often do with "big" days - both ones of celebration and grief/sadness/commemoration. Days of this sought are quite significant to me - both consciously and unconsciously; I've come to discover that often without realising it I'm conscious of the day my grandmother died (who died before I was born!). So dates like this are significant - which is why it is interesting that I didn't "plan" for what to do on this one, that is very significant. I hadn't planned but God had.
I realised sometime in the last few days that it was quite a full day, looking at the diary. I was quite sad about that, knowing that for such things I do need space - but given the things in the day and other peoples lives I really couldn't move anything.
So the day started with a coffee and breakfast with Gina, a friend who I lived with for 3 years. We don't see each other heaps now - there's no natural connections so we only see each other when we make a time to do that, but she is still a close friend, we know each other well and accept each other as we are, having changed lots over the time we lived together and since; we've walked many journeys together and there are some agonies of our heart that only we (and God) understand well because we experienced them together. We did touch on those agonies yesterday but I also talked about Paul a bit, as well as us talking about many other things. I just knew that that time was a God arranged thing ... not planned by me for that date, but couldn't have been better planned.
Then it was time for me to go to the lunch for people in supported accomodation that I'm involved in on a Wednesday. I really didn't feel like going but felt I should given the fact that I hadn't made it the last two weeks. I went and it was so good. Had a great chat to an elderly lady who is quite lonely, then fed two people who need assistance with eating. They were both great - but especially the second, Linda. Linda is ace, I love her. She is 45 and has had a stroke so each movement is pretty hard; she's in a wheelchair and she can speak but it's a drawn out process and her memory is pretty shaky at times but spot on at other times. I was feeding her lunch and as I was she asked me why she hadn't seen me around the last few weeks and I explained ... one reason was that I was prepraring for a camp to which she said "if I'd known you were going on a camp I would have come" - that made me smile. Then she asked me about what was in my day yesterday. Didn't talk about Paul but it was just lovely to be serving her and be so deeply served and cared for in the process. Again a very God arranged thing that I could never have planned for.
Then meetings in the afternooon 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm - all good and useful discussions and times ... then a couple of hours staring at a computer screen last night, trying to get soem work done, but really just having some space - again I hadn't planned nothing on last night, but that was what my diary said. Another arranged by God thing.
Came home quite late - I think mostly because I needed to be by myself (as much as I love my housemate), then quite a sleepless night.
So I've been very conscious all day and had some conversations, emails, sms's with others who are also grieving and people who care for me in it - it was lovely a week ago someone who isn't "personally involved" at all said "I'm very conscious of the 27th coming up soon - how are you and how is Julie?" That was very special.
This morning I feel good ... ready to deal with the world ... ready to write the articles that were due yesterday for our organisations newspaper thing and a few other things and then to join the rest of the staff at the zoo ...

We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo
How about you, you, you?!
(the favourite song around the office at the moment!)