Well it Seems

I just found the song that God used to invite me to a deeper commitment to himself when I was 13.  One Friday or Sunday night sitting in a building that no longer exists in Hurstville, Sydney in 1989 we sang this song and, along with many other things God was doing in my life at the time, it called me to in deeper way than ever before "give my life to him and him alone".  I don't know who it's by - if any of you St Gile's readers know - I'd love to know who actually wrote it.

Well It Seems

Chorus:

Well it seems like there are just so many things

That can take my heart away from you oh Lord.

Oh please, please help me Lord to see the emptiness they bring,

And by your grace I'll serve you always,

You are my King.

Verse 1:

I'm bound up in a course of education

The pressures on to study and succeed

I'm seeking a career, some money and my self-esteem

Am I really doing this for you or me?

Verse 2:

Some friends I have do things that do not please you,

And it's sometimes hard to differ from the crowd

Relationships are fine, but only under your control

Am I showing all my friends how great you are?

Verse 3:

When I think of all you left behind to save me,

Your Father's glory and your heavenly home

The sacrifice you made for me is just beyond compare

I give my life to you and you alone.

Psychological shaming

Just having a lovely coffee reading todays paper.  Leunig's article today had a quote I just had to share: "Psychological shaming has displaced moral shaming" - I reckon that's so true.  

It's led me to thinking about what impact does this have on our "Centred set theology" (ie. being an inclusive community centred around Jesus).  I wonder whether we have replaced moral fences with psychological fences in the name of "health".  Mmm ... pondering, any thoughts?

It's about the kingdom

I'm in one of those spots where I'm more convinced then ever that life, true life, is about God's agenda for the world and not my own.  More than ever I know that means me needing to be prepared to put aside the various things that are important to me that are out of step with God's heart for the world.  These include big life decisions through to minute by minute decisions ... it involves painful decisions to choose for true life above short term, feel good life.  I know deeply that it's so worth it but yet despite that I continue in many ways and at many times to choose the path that leads to death rather than life.  However, God, in his grace, continues to call me back into embracing the life that he offers, and as I do that I have more of a hunger to join in with his heart for the world.  I pray that in the smaller and bigger decisions of life I, and you, would choose for the things that really matter above what seems to be the thing we want right now.

Two places yummy places to eat

In the last couple of weeks I've eaten at some great places - as well as the Oriental Tea house yesterday, a few weekends ago in Daylesford I went out for dinner with my housemate and we went to a pub that had been recommended to us: The Farmers Arms, it was truly amazing.

Then last weekend I took my dad to Soul Mama which I love.

To what end?

For years I've been thinking about the fact that if you pursue something, you are likely to not get it.  For example, pursuing community as an end in itself seems to kill community rather than produce it.  On the other hand, getting on with doing good in the world together, tends to produce good community as a by-product.  I was reminded of this yesterday as I was talking about the way in which I am a boss to staff (which I think I do well, and staff tend to say the same ... well mostly, I've had one staff member in my time not like my style and I now understand alot of why).  Anyway, as we talked yesterday, I realised that while I love lots of what I do as a boss, I think I am too far up the end of "caring for the staff member" and not enough up the end of "focusing together on the world we are serving".  It was the by-product of this that hit me yesterday in a way I've never thought as strongly as yesterday: if I concentrate on caring so deeply for them above focusing on the outward focusing that we are wanting to do, what am I modelling and encouraging others in.  Not surprising for someone with a prophetic/pastoral gifting to find this balence a bit of a difficult one - but I think I had some new insight into it yesterday.  

Oriental Tea House

Yesterday my boss/colleague and I spent the day discussing some things to do with the role I am FINALLY completely into (yay! what a relief).  She took me for lunch to a place she'd recently been to and thought "this is Barb - I must bring her here" - it was great - the Oriental Tea House.

Pregnant

Lots of my friends are pregnant at the moment - I'm enjoying walking the journey with them.  I've realised in the last few days one is due each month July - Sept.

What are you passionate about?

Today was theological reflection.  It sounds a bit unheard of it seems but I love theological reflection - it's one of the highlights of my week.  How excellent is it to have to meet together with a group of other people to think through what various theological resources say about situations in all of our lives and pastoral situations.  And again it seems a bit unheard of but I do like our group.  Often people struggle in theological reflection because of people from various perspectives and colleges are in the groups - I'm loving it, certainly helped along by someone who leads that well and also the fact that my own theological perspective is embracing of people in different places.  The main way we think through issues is thinking through our first response to the situation and then thinking through the issue from the perspective of various theological resources: scripture, tradition, reason and experience.  It's a helpful framework that I really like.

So today one of the things we thought about through a situation in someone's life was what is the place of passion in ordained ministry ... great question and great time of quiet prayer for me afterwards too.   

Mother's Day

So yesterday was Mother's Day.  It hit me fairly hard - harder than I expected.  Really not surprising but hard and I didn't predict it.  So not surprising since my primary grief has been around the person who was my mother not being in the world (umbilical cord breaking etc etc). 

However, in many ways at least on surface that's not what hit me most.  What hit me most was spending the whole weekend with my community of faith and not one person mentioning it or acknowledging it.  In stark contrast I had a phone call from someone I used to work with (who has been lovely through it all) while I was at our final time of our weekend away at 1.30pm yesterday - just ringing to see how I was doing.  It was lovely but did mean the contrast was in my face. I had a few messages indicating it through the day - that was lovely.  

But no-one I spent the weekend with acknowledged it.  Now it did lead to me leaving the bbq and going to a private spot and having a moment with God in tears and felt met amazingly - it was good.  But that doesn't take away the pain of no acknowledgement by people in my day to day local faith community (there was acknowledgement from my wider/potentially closer in many ways faith community - non Solace people).

The lovely thing is that I haven't for a moment questioned anyone's care - there is no question in me that people care.  What I'm sad and hurt by is the lack of expression of that care yesterday.  And more than that it's made me ask questions about how we foster that kind of care in faith communities.  And what stops it from being expressed.  For us as Solace I think the biggest thing is just how stretched we are with our own lives and have very little room for things beyond that - particularly things that take brain or emotional space; we are poor in those areas, as well as time.  I think another is lack of knowledge of whether it's best to ask or not - I've certainly come to the conclusion that acknowledgement is better than non acknowledgement.  It is possible that some people thought of it but didn't know whether to say something or not.  Another question for me is whether people are less likely to ask about or acknowledge such things because I'm a leader in the community - as I've thought about it, I've decided that to whatever extent that is true, it's neutralised by the fact that more people know more and have closer relationships because I'm a leader.  Yet another thing I'm conscious of is the good old someone else will do it. (thankfully they did - just not anyone there over the weekend and on the day not anyone connected with Solace)  Another issue I'm conscious of is the fact that I am quite good at these things so therefore expect more of others.

But past the sadness and hurt, my main question is what does it mean to foster care and thoughtfulness in the midst of faith community?  As I talked it over with someone tonight I was conscious of the need for prompts for people to put things forward in some way because people just aren't going to know/remember things well given our lives - we will probably act on that in some way at 5pm ... in fact the conversation produced a great suggestion about a prayer box/board that local people can request prayer for stuff.  I'm loving where the conversation and thoughts are taking me and the few who I've talked to.  That is the main reason for this post.

(Solace people who are reading this - I hesitated before writing this but wanted to share the journey.  I am sad and hurt by the weekend/Sunday's experience in this regard - although in general had a great weekend including some things on Sunday.  Please do hear my statement above about having no question of care - that's a HUGE affirmation of who we are and the care I know you have for me.  But the question I'd have for us, myself so included, is how to mimimise the times when this kind of hurt and disappointment occurs - and I'm wanting to be more proactive than ever about that given my experience on the weekend.  Please do speak to me about it as the last thing I want to help along is guilt over this situation - although I am most happy to prompt each of us to question what we can do within our resources and how we facilitate being able to be people we want to be)

  

Yesterday

Words I used to describe yesterday - like a bubble of a completely surrounding grey cloud, knowing that on the other side of the grey cloud the world is bursting with life and energy, but that I am in the grey cloud and for the moment I can't escape.  It wasn't a feeling of lack of hope (like a feeling of being trapped there for ever) but it was a feeling of "this is where I am right now, and it is claustrophobic and dark and numb and right now I can't get out of it".  

Mixed Emotions

Today mum would have been 65.

Everyone says first birthdays and first anniversaries following deaths are the hardest - I know that well.  But, of course, once again I learn that all that I know about death and grief is at least very different to my experience of the death of my mother.  Those feelings of intense grief and "blurriness" are back this morning.   As I think through my last week, I discover that my reactions to people and my ability to relate well shows strong signs of grief.  And I try and be gentle on myself - it IS the day of my mother's birthday.

I think about last year.  I organised to have mum over for dinner - with dad and a close friend who my parents know well who was staying with me at the time.  The day before mum cancelled coming.  Dad, Sonja and I still had dinner.  I don't know how many times Dad and I have had dinner together when we were meant to be having dinner with mum as well.  A good decision many years ago now means that we have gone ahead with things even if mum chose not to come, even when it's her birthday dinner!  So Dad and I went out on Saturday night this year - not actually in memory of mum's birthday, actually in celebration of him purchasing a house ... but it did feel a bit interesting - we are out together for dinner 2 days before mum's birthday, without mum and rather than being strange, it is unfortunately quite normal.

I think today the thing I am saddest by is the lack of ability mum had to be able to enjoy things like her birthdays while she was here.  Her anxiety around events was so great that she sabotaged the potential of them being good by making such issues around them that any potential for them to be free and easy is gone.  So unfortunately mum's birthday without spending it with her is surprisingly normal.  A sadness for me today as I think about this is the tendency I have towards similar behaviour - mostly not as extreme as mum's but still in that direction.  I long for change in that.

Another thought this morning as I thought about what I'm feeling is a statement that was made to me on the day of mum's death - you are so lucky.  mmm ... someone who was with me heard it more than I did.  Not the words to say to someone whose mum has just died - but said by someone in intense grief themselves.  However, those sentiments reiterated by the same person a few days ago hit me more.  Indeed, there are consequences of mum's death that indeed find me in a fortunate position - one which few people of my age and stage of life find themselves in.  Some of that is because of mum's death - some because of the consequences of timing decisions that mean that things were in the state that they were at the time of her death.  I am grateful and feel immensely blessed and freed by the financial impact of mum's death.  I am amazed by that in more ways than I would want to talk about publicly.  But the circumstances that lead to me being in this situation do not leave me thinking the words "you are so lucky" are the appropriate words.      

Thinking Self and Observing Self

The book I'm reading makes a distinction between the thinking self and the observing self.  I find it quite a good distinction - the thinking self is all the thoughts, feelings, urges and sensations we have about life - all our judgements and thoughts fit are part of that self.  The observing self, however, is the part of us that observes what is happening and monitors and notices.  Our thinking self is just that - thinking - not good or bad, and certainly not the controller of what is.  Most of the time thought we act, I certainly act, as if it is.  I think this, therefore it is.  I feel this, therefore I need to pay attention to that.  Not necessary untrue, but not necessarily helpful either.  And that's the key question of this book - does this thing the thinking self is telling us (thought, feeling, urge, sensation) help us live in the direction of our values?  If yes - let it propel us in that direction.  If no, don't try and struggle with it, do things to "let it be" and keep living in the direction of our values.  This is profoundly different as well to much previous work I've done around psych stuff - rather than trying to change our unhelpful thoughts and feelings, we are encouraged to let them be and make space for them, but not let them dictate what we do.  There is place for lots of these different perspectives - but this is certainly the time and place for the ACT perspective that I'm exploring for me ... It's amazing how it's transforming my thinking and my life.  It gives me shivers regularly - and aligns so well with so much of my theology.

This morning I thought of another thing it changes for me.  With friends, colleagues and people who I am walking alongside in life, I often say "what are you thinking" as I can tell they are processing something.  This perspective puts new light on that - if I'm encouraging myself to not pay as much attention to every thought/feeling that comes into my brain (notice, make space for it, but not let fuse with it), how do I use that to influence how I relate and work with others?  I suspect that sometimes that will mean continuing to ask the question (making space for it) and sometimes not (not helping the person/us be fused with their unhelpful thoughts).  It'll be interesting to observe this and learn as I practice it.

Another helpful analogy with all this stuff that has been helpful for me is that our brains are like all the emails that are sent to us - without any filters.  As we get more filters on our emails we can trust more what goes into our junk mail and we might scan it quickly but we don't pay much attention to it - but those emails still come in, its just we don't get consumed by them.  That's been helpful for me.

If you can't tell - I'm excited by it all.

Negativity

So a new challenge that feels like a real invitation to life: to rid my life of negativity.

Not to rid my life of speaking the truth when that is a statement that might be negative.  But to rid my life of an attitude of negativity.

That includes conversations and thoughts, words I speak, conversations I encourage by my interest, attention I give to my thoughts and many other things.

Right now I'm in the process of noticing the extent to which negativity is present in my life.  It feels harsh and painful but gentle, good and full of peace.  It has all the hallmarks of the spirit of truth at work.  

Great quote

A great quote that Anj has on her blog today:

"Regardless of how a compulsion appears externally, underneath it is always robbing us of our freedom.  We act not because we have chosen to, but because we have to.  We cling to things, people, beliefs, and behaviors not because we love them, but because we are terrified of losing them.

The Dark Night of the Soul - Gerald G. May

ACT therapy

I've been learning about ACT therapy and loving what I'm discovering and what I'm starting to action in my life.  The popular book on this called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is well worth a read and is quite readable.

Footwashing

I'm in the process of an essay on John 13:5-15.  It's the footwashing passage in John - only recorded in John, the book the doesn't include the institution of the Lord's supper.  I'm enjoying immensely although my brain is getting fried!  It's a greek exegesis essay so I'm needing to wrestle with questions around the specifics of the text - what does this word mean, what is the emphasis and should it actual be there at all anyway.  

But some of the questions I've been pondering are why we celebrate communion but we don't have footwashing as a ritual.  I think I've got some answers around that question.  

Another question raised by many scholars is whether there is a reference to baptism in the passage - I don't think there is.

However, one of the things that's hit me deeply has been Jesus' reaction to Simon Peter - in this passage and at other times (we looked at John 21 last week at church).  Jesus' firmness and his grace has hit me again - in his reaction to Simon Peter and to me.

Farewell to Box Hill forever

Tonight I went out to Box Hill - the place that we have owned for 21 years of my 32 years of life.  Currently too it is representative of all our family homes - so it is farewell to the place that we have owned, where I have lived, to family homes in general and to mum's home.  It was great to "be" in the house - to sit, draw, walk around, reflect and pray.  A friend's song came to mind - she wrote about going back to the family home also before it was sold; she wrote about how "she was formed here" and how "my family grew into me, I grew into them".  That was so real for me tonight - the ways in which my family grew into me in good and bad ways.  But more than ever there was an acceptance of it all and an ability to let it be and move on, knowing that it is, in a sense, forever mine.

Settlement is in a couple of weeks.

So much to blog

There are so many things that I could blog - and the specific thoughts I might try and blog separately - this will be a more general post.

Life has been full and right now life is very very good.  I feel more content and settled than I think I pretty much ever have.  Life is good and I am good.

It hasn't been that the whole of the last month - in fact quite the opposite.  I got very much to the end of my tether about 2 weeks ago which has encouraged a deep considered look at my life with deep considered decisions and 2 weeks later life is very different.  

I am very conscious of the amazingness of the many great people in my life - of all kinds.  I'm particularly thankful right now for many people who I have deep friendships with.

More than that though I'm very thankful for the deep connection I have with the creator and life-source of the universe - I seriously have no idea how I'd do life without that.

Yourself or your real self?

'Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in’.

CS Lewis

Thanks Hamo for the quote :)

Alone

I've been feeling my aloneness quite profoundly over these days/week. It's not loneliness - there are lots of ace people in my life. But as always, a holiday season has prompted in me a profound sense that I am at base alone i the world. At some levels it's a sense that is deepened by Mum's death but really it's been like this for a long time ... some of it is just that my family is REALLY small. And now it's just dad and me in our nuclear family and even in my next level out extended family just 4 people ... and we are spread over the country and dad is not in Melbourne during most holiday seasons. So aloneness at a deep level.

It's been good to cry out to God in the midst of that and to know his presence but for it not to take the realness of the aloneness away - and that is good, as much as I just wanted it taken away, I know that life only comes through facing truth and facing the death that truth speaks .. it's only then that new life will somehow, sometime emerge.

One of the things I wrestle with in all that is what does it mean to not indulge myself in these feelings but also to not allow busyness or anything else to cover over them ... I think I'm learning more about that balence than I ever have before. A friend had a spiritual director who met her for the first time the other day ask her if her depression was an indulgence - the words made her ponder, and they have made me ponder too.

I'm in a hard spot but in that feel I am doing well ... though it is agony.