Grief

Friday is the Yahrzeit of Mum's death ie. in Jewish terms the anniversary of someone's death.  It's a little tricky to know which is the "real" date as we know mum died on the 11th July but we found her on the 17th July.  For me the most significant date is the 11th.  

This week is surprising me somewhat.  I wasn't expecting it to be easy ... but it's different to what I was expecting ... even though as I think about it what I'm experiencing is probably in the very normal zone.  I was expecting Friday, and the lead up, to be hard.  But I think I was expecting a very specific kind of hardness, I guess a bit more specific and almost explosive, momentary.  What I'm experiencing though can best be described as dullness.  It's greyness at it's most grey.  It's close to tears but not really being there.  It's dull and constant!  It's also familiar - with a different edge to it and with less ability to observe it as well as experience it, much of last year I lived in this place.  But in a sense it's shocking me.

In the midst of that dullness I'm also very good - life is good and it's very good to be into things after being away.