Precious Moments

I have had so many precious moments over the last few months, like all moments these are never to be repeated ... and some of them have been shared with someone who I will never share moments with again.

The moments that I had with Phil between 16th May and 9th June were some of the most precious of my life.  One of the nurses came into my workplace this week when I wasn't there and spoke with a workmate/friend about how fast it was - certainly was that.  I remember distinctly speaking with someone an hour after the phone call and sensing the specialness of what I was doing at that point - and that was before I really knew what the following week and month would bring.  It was a special to be trusted at the level I was by someone who didn't trust easily.  To have moments of connection around emotions of being scared and of frustration.  To walk the journey of coming to terms with illness and death.  The sharing the moment of going into an unconscious state for the last time. Words don't come anywhere close to expressing the specialness of all that month was.  

Precious, important, special, a gift - those are some of the words that speak of some of those moments with Phil during that month.  

Moments - they are all we have - each one special and a gift, every one of them.

Scared

I had a great night talking with some friends and co-journeyers about some of our dreams.  Tonight we were mostly focused on one of the others dreams - she was in the "hot seat", being the person where the most pressure is on for her next steps.  It was a precious conversation where we were all being truly ourselves and speaking meaningfully and deeply.  We were able to speak truth into my friends dream.  Truth that rang true, but truth that was the hardest things we could have said.  We spoke about how to be really true to who we are and what we are uniquely made for is the most scariest thing we can do in our lives because it is in fact exactly that - facing and owning who we are at our core.  The most freeing thing, yet the thing so many of us avoid so skillfully.  Having spoken about that, we also spoke about the reality that if we are not prepared to face ourselves honestly then we are also not able to cope often with others facing themselves honestly.  As well as some tangible outcomes for our friend, we came away continuing to be encouraged to live true.  We also came away having deeply experienced church.

Thirsty

It's amazing - sometimes you don't know that you are so desperately thirsty until the thirst is quenched.

Grief

A little while ago someone semi jokingly commented on the fact that I should write a book about Grief and Loss - I've certainly experienced enough of it in my life.  As I sit in an ideal situation, overlooking the ocean with indeed blue sky all around me, I ponder grief.

Today, I am deeply thankful for grief.  Grief aligns my priorities.  Grief forces me to do the work of deep knowing of self.  It forces me to understand myself as truly alone in the world.  Grief treats people as that of deep importance.  Grief forces deep honesty.  Grief is precious - it can't be manufactured - it is what it is.

Grief is also exhausting and alienating.  It won't allow your defences to get in it's way.  It refuses to give it's gifts without the recipient enduring the pain.  It is no respecter of things that need to happen or how the person wants to present.  It comes as it wishes, to do its wish.

I am very aware that you either go with grief, or you pay the cost in many, many ways.  I'd prefer to go with it.  Grief continues to make me the person I am today.  As I think through the last 10 years of my life, or even 15 years really, I can name deep grief at many points.  The work grief has worked in me, and continues to deeply work in me, I am immensely thankful for.  

What are we on about?

The source of life is God - that is a truth that I know deeply.

Various things recently have had me pondering what is important in the ministry that I engage in.  What is the point?  For me, there is deep meaning in helping people experience wholeness in life in any way - I want to help the world be a place where people are loved and experience more wholeness in all sorts of ways.  The faith expressions that I grew up with were not, in my opinion, focused enough on this - ie. what I would now call creation theology and the call of God to be involved in the work of his kingdom for all people / all of creation.  More recently I have been around contexts and theology that has very much been on about this - and I'm thankful for that.

However, for me, this involvement stems from a deep knowledge of the love, embrace and forgiveness of God, from a deep relationship with my creator, redeemer and sustainer.  Often I feel that in some of the contexts that I and some of my friends are around, we lose sight of some of the other parts of the spectrum - what does it mean to encourage others into a deeper relationship with the one who brings true wholeness, the one who is indeed the creator, but who is also redeemer and sustainer.  I want to encourage myself and those around me to continue to look to this one alone for life - it's only in Him that I believe life in all it's fullness is found, it's only in Him that we have the power to live the life He has invited us into.