Breathing easily

Today is a good day. Woke up feeling good about the world and feeling like life was good. I'm so glad at the moment for what I know intellectually and in a lived way about grief and life and health. Being where you are at any point certainly allows for much more life to emerge and after a somberish day yesterday and letting myself be in that place, today emerged with much life. It's a bright day in lots of senses - awoke and felt like I was breathing easily physically and otherwise, great energy this morning at a workshop thing I was at, the sun was shining as we finished that ... and I've just made some headway on some work. But mostly, I'm feeling good and life is feeling good.

Which Death am I Grieving today?

I've been quite subdued today. It's 10 days following finding mum dead (probably 16 from when she actually died), and 3 years since Paul, a good friend, died. Very conscious of both of these people and events today.

Food is one of the key ways I am grieving for mum ... looking for Spicy Fruit Rolls in the supermarket, desperately trying to find her Neenish Tart recipe, being reminded by a friend of my story of mum bringing me ice cream and ice magic as I was watching tv as a kid and teenager.

This morning as I opened a packet of porridge I grieved for Paul - food again. Think I might have a glass of port in Paul's memory tonight.

Thoughts are also with others for whom this anniversary is significant.

Mum's funeral tomorrow

The night before the funeral day.
Wierd feeling.
Not bad.
Just wierd.

Not sure what the day will bring.
How to be true to self
But be loving to others.
Not sure where self will be.

Tonight I am thankful,
for where God has me.
For deep peace,
and a sense of wholeness.

The Day I Learned my Mum was Dead

What a wierd day ...
One that you are never prepared for,
one you would never dream of,
One though where you know deep peace.

The bizarreness of the phonecall,
The pondering what exactly was coming,
The sense of what can happen in a brief time,
where you are having coffee and your phone is in your bag.

8 missed calls,
two urgent messages from my dad,
a phone call from the police,
a drive two suburbs; still unknown.

The walk to the house,
the being told that she had died,
the walking in and her body being on the floor,
And deeply embracing my dad.

And the pondering of how,
And the pondering of when,
Still surreal but oh so real,
My mum is dead.

The police, the coroner,
Questions about her medical history,
And then she's gone, their gone,
It's dad and me.

The reality sinks in (at some level anyway)
The phone calls begin,
The next week begins,
The rest of life begins.

I am sad,
I know the journey will be hard and long,
But I'm also relieved for her,
That her struggle is over.

I'm grateful, for the peace I have,
for the friends I have,
for the special time alone with her
The chance to say goodbye.

More phone calls,
Funeral plans,
All sorts of emotions,
Are what await me on this day.

But she is at peace,
Shalom she has never known,
Healing and wholeness is now,
Hers in abundance.

I feel so blessed,
surrounded by many,
Cared for and held in so many ways,
From Melbourne to Sydney to Canada.

Deep peace I know.

(On Tuesday 17th July 2007 I discovered that my mum was dead)

Grrr ... computers!

Just wrote a long post that was quite involved and lost it - will probably re-write tomorrow ... for now it's a note of frustration from me!

A Place of Holy Mystery

Just reading bits of The Message and saw these words in a way I've never seen them before (from Luke 7):

They all realized they were in a place of holy mystery, that God was at work among them.

Create Your Own Prayer That Speaks Your Soul

On a semi-retreat this week and this is what I'm centring around:

It would be wonderful to create your own prayer
Give yourself time to make a prayer that will become the prayer of your soul.

Listen to the voices of longing in your soul.
Listen to your hungers.
Give attention to the unexpected that lives around the rim of your life.
Listen to your memory and the inrush of your future, to the voices of those near you and those you have lost.

Out of all that attention to your soul, make a prayer that is big enough for your wild soul;
tender enough for your shy and awkward vulnerability;
that has enough healing to gain the oinment of divine forgiveness for your wounds;
enough truth and vigour to challenge your blindness and complacency;
enough graciousness and vision to mirror your immortal beauty.

Write a prayer that is worthy of the destiny to which you have been called.

Eternal Echoes - Exploring our Hunger to Belong
John O'Donahue