Tuesday, January 23, 2007


There have been some things that I've been wanting to change in my life for ages that I have just seemed powerless to change, things that God's calling me to that have seemed so basic but just so out of reach. Over years I've seen difference but it continues to be a battle and I often get discouraged in it all. Last week a conversation helped me to both relax in it but also be more serious about it at the same time! I realised that the sadness that I felt over my lack of ability to live in the way I'm being called to - and even more the results of that - is actually something that will get worse not better as I live in it more ... the more you know (experience kind of know) God and live in the ways he's calling you to, the more you will be sad about the ways in which you are not. So I've had to face the question of "do you want the sadness to go away or do you want to know God?" - and have certainly resolved that I want to know God and if sadness comes with that territory, so be it.
But in the meantime something mysterious has happened in me - in these things that seem to have had a hold on me for so long, I'm seeing real difference. Not thru striving or really working hard at deciding but really just thru making the kind of call I've talked about above and I guess (in quite a low key way really) looking to God to do it because I know I can't myself and giving up on some of the other answers of how change might come. What I've expereinced, observed, seen in myself is just a welling up of choices in the direction that I'm being called to walk in. It's almost (but not quite) like "of course this is what you'd do".
As this is happening I guess a couple of things have been in my mind: "what the law was powerless to do" ... I'm seeing so clearly that living by the "law" (even God's call in a sense) is powerless to break the hold of darkness, lostness and brokeness in me, as is disgust, striving, systems or any of the other things I've tried over the years. The other thing is the fruit of the spirit in the message "What happens when we live God's way? We see fruit arising in us in much the same way as fruit appears in an orchard ..." Yep that describes the experience I'm living. Deeply mysterious but deeply real and definately life producing.

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