Dwelling in places where people dwell in darkness

It's interesting to watch what is happening in me as I make decisions to give myself to the area I live and where our church building is in an even deeper way, and as I choose to give myself more deeply to my calling of working with God in helping shape people for mission in the world and as I choose to give myself to the final preparations I have to do before I am ordained.

The words of "the world conspiring with you" seems to fit my experience now - like at many other times. The universe is such that when you choose life and the things that "fit" the world both works with you (and profoundly against you too).

Right now I'm seeing the working with.

Last nights reading was Matthew 4 which we looked at through doing a Lectio and some words that leapt out at me had me looking at my Greek - in essence it seems that the call for me is "just as Jesus dwelt in the midst of the people who were dwelling in darkness, that is the call for you" and then I read a blog post this morning that also had the words that call of priethood is to "know how to stand in the dark places and to find resurrection".

It's also fun watching things in me that have been a bit dormant for a couple of years gain space, room and energy.

Consequences of Grief

A good friend and I were talking about grief the other day and one of the things we agreed was that a key consequence of grief is "expect some of your key relationships to fail". As we both said we are not sure that you can know this during and not sure how much it's helpful to say it to people in the midst of the intensity of early stages of grief but we both reckon it's a profoundly true statement, as we have watched others and experienced significant grief ourselves. Certainly for us it helps us to just relax a bit at least looking back - and to be easier on ourselves than we otherwise might.

As I think about it, I reckon it's broader than just grief - I'd say that in any big thing in your life, whether good or bad, that's one of the things I'd say "expect some of your key relationships to fail". Not sure I like the word "fail" - but you get the gist of what I mean - "not be able to cope with it". That's certainly been my experience of all sorts of stage in my life.

6 months last week

Well - last week it was 6 months from the date of mum's death - or to be more exact 6 months since we found her and the date on everything official. Ironically, it was the same date I received the probate paperwork in my mailbox.

I've been feeling it profoundly in a way that I can't my finger on really. When some people have asked me recently how it is some words of used are "it just is", "it seems to be at a point of acceptance". But now it seems to be more the place of sadness - again not mostly sadness for the person who was Lyn being in the world (although a little of that at her best) but rather sadness for my mum not being in the world.

I haven't been out to the rose garden where we buried her ashes by myself yet - and due to the above I'm thinking it's time - so I'm going to do that today. Never know I might also make it to one of the places my good friends ashes were scattered as well - we shall see what I need to do once I've trecked out to Lilydale.

Focus

I've been thinking about the statement (wherever it is from) that "the good is the enemy of the best". It's led me to think a few other things "the many is the enemy of the one" and especially for me at the moment "the fact that you can do something is the enemy of the things you are called to do". I've been thinking lots about the many things I can do - many of which I enjoy, many of which just seem to need to be done by someone and I'm able - and how they distract from "the" things that whatever words you want to put around it I am called to do, the things I'm uniquely made for, the things that in this phase it is right for me to be giving myself to. It's hard when there are many things you can do to give yourself wholehearted to the things you are called to today. But that is faithfulness and it is the call to life.

Iceblock melt

My 2 year old friends currently are coming to terms with the fact that "iceblocks melt and balloons pop". Iceblocks and balloons are two of their favourite things at the moment and coming to terms with the fact that they melt and pop - that you can't control that - is very hard. Their mum prayed for us on Sunday morning with our versions of iceblocks and balloons. What are the iceblocks that melt and frustrate you as you desperately try to hold onto them? And what are the balloons that pop and frighten you, make you angry?
It describes so many things over my life - I'm now going to call the iceblock or balloon moments.

Call to Discipleship

Christ, whose insistent call
disturbs our settled lives:
give us discernment to hear your word,
grace to relinquish our tasks,
and courage to follow empty-handed
wherever you may lead,
so that the voice of your gospel
may reach to the ends of the earth, Amen

(A Prayer Book For Australia)

Accountability vs. Edit-ability

For many years accountability was big for me. It's also big in many Christian circles. A good friend started questioning the concept a few years ago and over time his questioning has won me over. I now think that it's quite an unhelpful concept. I've recently been reading (or more like skimming) a good book called Organic Community and that also questions the "accountability" concept.

It puts into words what my friend and i have discussed over several years and has a useful table camparing accountability relationships (AR) and edit-ability relationships (ER). A couple of the comparisons which speak some of what we have thought about are:
AR are built on the understanding that people are primarily bad and sinful, whereas ER are built on the understanding that people are good, made in the image of God.
In AR the partner tries to ehlp by creating more structure, rules and regulations whereas in an ER the "Editor" makes suggestions but leaves the major reworking with the individual.

Within the chapter it talks about what I think is the major issue though - who is responsible for our actions and for holding us responsible for our actions ... under God that is each of our responsibility. Often this becomes merged unhelpfully in AR and rather than taking responsibility for our own actions and growth we give that power - or at least the power to hold us responsible for that - to someone else.

It really comes down to who is responsible for our life - and before God that is each of us. Thankfully, God does put others around us to journey with us and to be involved in helping us be more the people he longs for us to be but the responsibility for that lands squarely with each of us. I think AR, very differently from what they would aim to do, keep people from embracing their potential maturity, whereas ER helps people to embrace it. (Now on the other hand the concentrating on AR has taken many people into some good relationships where they have shared in ways like no other so don't hear me saying it's all bad; however, for me there are points at which it has often just reinforced some of my own broken behaviours and patterns.)

Now I'm off out of the oven that is my house at the moment to an air conditioned house and a walk in the evening air with one who is very much a fellow journeyer on this life adventure - and who definately encourages me to take responsibility for my life before God and who i do the same for her - I wonder what of life we will enjoy together this evening, ponder this evening, challenge each other on?!

Venting

Over the last 6-12 months I've increasingly been thinking about whether venting or talking stuff through in that kind of way is actually helpful. Most of my life I have believed that it's how I work and process and others have reinforced this belief. But for a range of reasons I've started questioning whether it's actually helpful.

The seed of this thought realisation (worded like that because I know myself well enough to know that most significant things are simmering in me for a long time before they come to even this point) started almost out of the blue one day several months ago. I think it had been a stressful situation and for some reason I just thought "I'm not going to vent or talk to anyone about this at least until I am no longer worked up about it". This is the opposite to my automatic response. It was certainly a good path.

Since then several other things have happened - and I certainly have made decisions to vent to a more specific range of people - mostly people who won't just let me vent actually, partly chosen because of that.

During the past week I rang a friend to "vent" (I think actually used that word!) and he was happy to hear that but was in no mood or space to just allow a vent so we did good work on what was behind it.

Then this morning I read The Chief Happiness Blog which sometimes has quite interesting things on it, a link to a page about how bad venting is for you - I reckon it's so true.

Mmm .... very long term patterns I'm changing here so it will take time and I'm well and truly already on the path and it's already significantly changing relationships but will continue to. I do think that it's something God is really significantly doing in my life and a real invitation to live life more in the ways he desires ... an increase of life in abundance.

(Now most but not all of the people I vent to in some way read this blog - do feel very free to respond to this information how you feel best and how you are able - from doing nothing with this information to asking me the question of "do you really think talking about it in this way and at this time is the helpful thing" to a stronger boundary around hearing a vent)

The Work of Christmas

There are some people who are life-bringers in your life even though you have never met them - and have only occasionally directly exchanged words - Stephanie is one of those for me. On numerous occasions she has been part of "the right words at the right time" for me in ways that have been deeply nourishing. These words came via Mike Todd's blog but were words sent by Stephanie. Again they are nourishing words for me today.

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins:
to find the lost,
to heal the broken,
to feed the hungry,
to release the prisoner,
to rebuild the nations,
to bring peace among brothers,
to make music in the heart.

Howard Thurman - The Work of Christmas
A Grateful Heart p 74

Christmas without Mum

Well to be honest the hardest thing about Christmas has been the guilt about the relief of mum not being here - and how pleasant and nice it was without her. A lovely, relaxed, very little stress day without mum. No need to work around whether she will be there or not, no need to worry about her being jealous because I'm talking to someone else. It was pleasant.

I realised this was how it was leading up to Christmas - and to be honest, for me the hardest thing was coming to terms with that and also of course therefore the various comments about "I'll be thinking of you today without Lyn" etc have been quite hard to deal with. Don't get me wrong - I appreciate the places the comments come from but frankly unless people have been clear that they mean "in the mixed picture that it is", those words spoken in care have been unhelpful rather than helpful. They have just added to the guilt that I've already been wrestling with.

But this is how it is in much bigger ways than just Christmas - it is my reality. While I am really thankful for so much of mum's role in my world - I wouldn't be here without her and that's pretty profound and what much of my grief has been about (think back to the way I talked about my grief as the "breaking of the umbilical cord"), life is easier and less complex than if she was around. And I'm sure that is true for her. As I said in my eulogy - her pain is now gone ... and that includes the pain she caused others (and the pain that then caused for herself).

So hesitantly I say I'm at peace with her not being around ... and growing in peace with my thankfulness for that. She knows peace she's never known before - why should I feel guilty about loving that fact and the consequences of that for me?!

Being Abused

It's been an interesting week in the shop and church building. Lots of people in quite hard spots really and some hard stuff to deal with. One of our hardest situations involves stuff being stolen - sigh. Mobile phone, money from our money jar near our coffee, our staff members lunch from the fridge (that had her name on it) ... Bizarrely the one we had proof of who it was, was the lunch (she had been the only person in the space). So today I spoke to her about it - or tried. She denied it and walked off initially and then later on came and interrupted a conversation I was in and said that she knew "I wanted to talk to her and that she wasn't impressed". I calmly said I would talk to her about it on tomorrow as she walked off (that was all around our morning church gathering). This afternoon someone else was praying in the space and this woman came in and we expect she took some more stuff. As I was sitting just before our evening service she came up to me and said "I know you want to talk tomorrow but I can't talk then but I can talk now" and then left the building. I sat for a minute, prayed and then went out - going I have to take that as an invitation for a conversation. I went out and calmly walked up to the woman and said her name starting a conversation. She then lashed out at me, yelling at me and saying various things that didn't make sense - a huge amount of aggression.
It's hard stuff - at the time I was able to sigh but it is hard stuff and I'm angry and processing it all.
It is the hard end of the presence we want to be - and sometimes the hardest thing is holding the line and loving people well enough to truly love them and not just let stuff go.

Love or abuse

Just reading through a sheet of quotes a friend gave me while I was away. This one really called for my attention:

The act of love is to say "I want you to be who you are." The act of abuse is to say "I want you to be who I want you to be." It is that simple.
James D. Gill

expectancy vs. expectation

Great post on having expectancy rather than expectation:
http://tallmonasticguy.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/11/expectancy-with.html

Thanks Wes for the heads up.

Inward shaped spirituality

A quote from Simon Holt's blog - I so agree:

As a teacher in spirituality, I am well aware that much that goes under the name is almost entirely introspective—an invitation to hunker down and contemplate one’s spiritual navel. At its worst, this spirituality is self-obsessed, chronically disconnected from the world and its needs, promising much but demanding nothing.

It's in losing your life you find it

I've been thinking lots about what it means to lose your life, and in the losing of your life to find it. Alongside that I've been thinking about how you can't get "something" by seeking it - it's just by and large not how the paradox of life works; especially not the paradox of the kingdom (which I think is all of life in it's fullness anyway). But it IS most definately a paradox because it's not that we shouldn't seek and work hard at things but it is that generally the things that matter the most come as bi-products in a sense, but certainly can't be "achieved" by striving for them and them being our end goal. I guess in many ways because the things that matter the most are external focused, not in a way that we don't matter or that it isn't to be cherished but that it's not "for it's own sake".

I've also been thinking of the various "tools" we use in life and how they can help or hinder us in this process. One tool that I have been using this year a bit which I do think has significant value in lots of cases, The Artists Way, I reckon for me this year has unfortunately rather than helped me walk on a journey of losing my life and in losing my life finding it, put me more in a place of seeking my life. Let me reiterate I don't think it's the tool in itself - but I do think a combination of factors has meant that for me this year this tool has been something that rather than helping me live more fully has helped me focus on myself unhelpfully.
It reminds me of needing to carefully choose the tools we need, the spiritual disciplines we need, and to continue ensuring they are things that take us in the direction we are wanting to go, ensuring that mixed with what else is happening for us they are helping us really become more shaped in the paradox of the kingdom.

Williamstown beach - how nice!

Spent a lovely afternoon at Williamstown beach - lovely gorgeous Melbourne day. I was there with the 22 month old twins who I am friends with (and their mum!) - and was very fun. Were joined later in the time by a few others for fish and chips at the beach - all lovely, relaxing and muchly refreshing.

I've been thinking lots about how big self-help/self-actualisation/self-improvement is in our society, including our Christian world - and especially about how much I have given into this culture over the years. It's so easy to start seeing it as if it's the work of the spirit. It is in some ways a fine line - although in others it just is so different that there is no way the two could be confused. I think God does use stuff from these fields to help people be more whole but the question for me is what's the driving force behind it - being caught up with ourselves or being caught up with God.

I was asked the other night what it would mean for me to find my life by losing it, particularly in relation to this stuff, and I really do think that it is one of the key questions of our time, particularly for some personailities. What does it mean to give up on our path of self-improvement, look to God and let him shape and mould us. What does it mean to truly seek first his kingdom and not our own?

The outward stuff might look the same - eg. you might explore personaility types but it would be out of response to God rather than to further yourself. One such time for me recently was feeling strongly that it was good to buy a book about losing a parent when I was in New Jersey - this led to reading this book on the place between New York and Seattle and to one of the biggest life defining decisions of my life and has profoundly reshaped my relationship with God - yep that has the hall marks of a God led reading of that kind of book.

But my life is not about me - it's about God; and everything in my life needs to be shaped around that; that is where I believe true life is.

First time I've ever been called blazze, I reckon!

Point proved - I can't even spell it!!!! (how do you spell blazze?)

First real day back at work on Monday - I have energy, more than I've had for years, and I'm relaxed as anything. A good friend who I work with commented "I love your energy and your blazzeness". As I was telling another friend about it last night - she said "since when have you ever been blazze" - that's about right.

Something is very different. It's a Barb I know, and who a few people know, but not many. and that's who I feel like is the main Barb at the moment - I like it. I hope that Barb can stay. She cares passionately, but is also realistic about life, is extremely able to flex, loves life, throws herself into life, is able to relax fully. But do watch out world, while that Barb parties harder than ever, the energy in that Barb also means much can happen!

Stay around that Barb!

Advent Calendar

Inspired by some stuff we did at Solace Sunday stuff last week I have just done the content and activities of an Advent calendar for some kids I'm close to - and I've had a ball! May well expand it for some others - and maybe adults as well.

Strength in Vulnerability

We had vestry tonight. We do believe we have the best vestry on the planet! My fellow warden keeps me quite happy with cadbury mint chocolate of some variety - but that's not the only reason why vestry is so good! There are many but even that's not what I wanted to write about.

Tonight as we were praying I had what is becoming a fairly normal experience for me. But it is now happening very regularly as opposed to what it has been over the last few years - on some occasions during more "ritualistic, liturgical" communion. Now it's happening most times I pray - especially in a "set aside" way, by myself or with others. The experience is hard to describe. Certainly on the verge of tears starts the description. Immense tenderness also helps the description along. Deep vulnerability that sees all of me and embraces me speaks towards it. I've been known to describe it as being in the same realm as the knownness and vulnerability of sex. Deep knownness and knowingness - that's getting close. It's an amazing experience that leaves me very tender everytime. It was my experience tonight, and last night during communion too - a special, very intimate time that leaves me feeling very raw, tender and vulnerable and loved, embraced, challenged and held.