Anger

Tonight I am angry.  I am angry at a number of things - one of them is the way people in all sorts of areas of life keep knowledge to themselves - and teach something they know to not be the only voice.  It's not just that people speak what people can understand - it's often that people speak what they know to be much more questioned than they teach.  One of the values is some of the children's ministry context I've led within is "Don't teach children things that they will need to unlearn later".  I think this is a good principle for life: by all means speak in a language and method that the people you are speaking to can comprehend and apply but don't teach as "the only understanding" things you know to have many more options behind them.  All sorts of fields do this - right now my anger is directed towards people who have studied theology and, in particular, Paul's letters and the "New Perspective" on Paul and who continue to teach a Lutheran understanding to the Law and righteousness even though they know that there are many more views and scholarship around.  

And by the way - yes I did have an exam today - on Romans!  Any guesses what I've been spending much time on over recent days!!!!

Sparkling

I went out for a dinner with a close friend of mine the other night and decided to try some sparkling white for a change.  And I really enjoyed it.  Like it seems with too many things, I like it if it's good quality!

Just maybe ...

My thoughts on Anglicanism and whether I will make it through what is often called the "sausage machine" that is the training of Anglican Ordination candidates goes up and down.  As someone who knows a fair amount about where the system is up to here in Melbourne said to me today and someone else also in the know said to me a little while ago: "You are five years too early".  Often I wonder if there is room for me and people like me in the Anglican system, and in particular in the ordination and immediately post ordination/curacy system.  I often think not.  A conversation I had today encouraged me that just maybe I will make it!  Time shall tell.

Presencing

A book I read a number of years ago called "Presence" is becoming a lived experience for me.  Amazing experiences of "letting go" and "letting come" are happening as I live my personal life, as I personally engage with issues in my work life and as I work with others on these issues.  We have no idea what the future that seeks to emerge will look like ... but we feel that we are starting to understand something about the conversations and moments that need to happen for us to be at a point to be transformed personally and corporately so that we can let the coming future emerge and embrace it.  

Here is a diagramatic representation of the process as discussed within "Presence".

Are you who you would love to be?

For various reasons I have been thinking alot about the gap between who we are and who we'd like to be.  Around our faith community, a number of us for many years have loved the expression "mind the gap" and just recently I've had another experience of pondering this and knowing the reality of it in my life.  How often do we really want to be able to be and act a particular way but find ourselves incapable of doing that exact thing.  My most recent experience of this has interestingly been one of acceptance of this reality in a way that it never has been before - still a longing for more and to be different but not a negative experience, certainly one of peace and acceptance, though not contentment (I don't think I want contentment with it).  I think it's only peace and contentment with the reality that then enables honesty about what's going on and the ability to work with reality as it is rather than as you'd want it to be.  This experience has also caused me to reflect on experiences of my life where others would dearly love to have been able to choose to be and act differently than what they were capable of - it's certainly continued to grow my compassion and realism about life.  It's all been quite interesting at the same time as studying Romans 7 where Paul talks about "finding this law at work, when I want to do good is evil is right there with me" and writing an essay on Romans 8 (18-30) about how everything works for (what I reckon is) our maturity as people who are on about what we were created for.  Also interesting at a time where myself and some close friends are having experiences of deep freedom in some areas of our life in ways we are so thankful for ... and can only say that it's the mystery of God's grace that has brought it about.  But yet we live in a time and place in history where we have good reason to hope for transformation and live in a way that opens the path for that, but that needs to accept reality as such that we are still on that journey.  And the journey is good and rich.

Advent Calendars

Last year in early November we had a time at one of our faith community gatherings thinking through how families especially might explore Christmas together.  It inspired me to do an Advent Calendar for my friends who are twins and who last year at Christmas were almost 2.  It was fun and they enjoyed it.  I also gave the content to a few others.  

This year I have revised that a little, keeping it aimed at preschoolers, and I've written an adults version with the same daily themes so that parents have some prompts for thoughts and actions along the same themes that they are working with their children on.  I'm working on giving a "kit" of these to all families who are part of our faith community plus some other important families in my life.   It includes things like candles to light each day, a chocolate or other treat appropriate in that family advent calendar, a card for each day with a theme and an activity for that day.

Let me know if you'd like a copy of the parts of this that have soft copies.

(Solace families - you will get one and will be asked soon about your preference about a few things that are in it so that what you receive is appropriate for your family/children ... but still let me know if you'd like a soft copy to be able to give it beyond your family)

Some other things I've come across that some adults might be interested in for Advent reading and action are two books: one by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan called "The First Christmas" and another is "Advent and Christmas: Wisdom for G.K. Chesterton" - by the Center for the Study of C.S. Lewis and Friends.

Limiting Communications

I'm in another of my reading zones and currently I'm reading "Here Comes Everybody - The Power of Organising without Organisations" by Clay Skirky.  I thought this quote from page 42 was interesting and telling: "If you have ever wondered why so much of what workers in large organisations know is shielded from the CEO and vice president, wonder no longer: the idea of limiting communications, so that they flow only from one layer of the hierarchy to the next, was part of the very design of the system at the dawn of managerial culture".

Which thing to write about!

There is so much going on within and around me that I don't know which of the many things to write about.  So much growth, so much thought, so much being.  Life is good, God is good, I am satisfied.

Definition of Spirituality

We were sitting around at our regular coffee catch up time for staff around our network and discussing a range of things regarding spirituality. At one point, one of the people who is fairly disparaging of the word "spirituality" asked us all what we meant by the term. We went around and shared ... it's an interesting question. Most answers were something around "connection with 'the other'". The thing I added to that was that it was about "being" - with ourselves, God ('the other') and each other. I think for me at the moment it's something like "the mystery of deep connection with 'the other' which allows a 'being' with ourselves, God, each other and the world as it is in reality".

As I think about what I said in that conversation and a conversation over dinner last night when someone asked me about the Alexander Technique lessons I've been having all year - I recognise that "being" is the word of the year for me. It's an active "Being" - but it's not "doing" - it's a mystery that is hard to put words to but I know that I'm deeply growing in. It's a different way of living. It's one of being fully present in reality - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It's full of life and possibilies. It recognises limits and even chooses to limit itself further for the sake of growth and life.

Anyway - what's your definition of 'spirituality'? For those of you more "in church circles" - how would you define what the word means to you to someone "not of a Christian faith"?

Solace Dinner

Last night was a Spring Feast with the faith community network which I'm a part of. It was a lovely night - great food, great atmosphere, even greater people and a really special sense of understanding something deep about the mystery of life together, spoken about a bit but just "known". It was a time of celebrating a number of the dreams of people in our networks who are or have been involved in the journey of something that we reckon delights God. Thanks to another network who have gifted us with some money - this celebration included a gift of money to use in some way towards the dream. We celebrated things at all stages of the dream cycle - including things that have "failed". I love that! What we are wanting to celebrate is people's joining with God in the world - not the "outcome" of that (although we do want to celebrate when we can see the differences in a positive direction to). We recognise that "failure" is inevitable and shapes for the next step in the journey. But in essence it's also people's joining with him in his heart for the world that delights God - so that's also what we want to celebrate. It was a great night of being, celebration and presence, where God was gently but strongly honoured.

Mission - Families and/or Marginalised

It seems that I am having many conversations at the moment around some decisions we have made in my work/faith community context about our mission focus being families and children (and therefore our buildings being focused on families and children). The issues in the questions are complex - and to be frank, while it's tiring, it's raising the kind of conversations, questions and issues that we ought to be having more frequently!!!

Some of the conversations remind me of the first year or so of our faith community in 2000/2001 when I was doing Forge and also when myself and many peers really were thinking alot around issues of "priority for the poor". Our faith community at the time met in a strongly upper middle class area of Melbourne and I remember numerous supervision conversations around "what does incarnational ministry look like in upper middle class Melbourne"? Should we be doing it? Does God call us to have a priority for the poor? Given where I was in those conversations, I find it ironic (but very like God!) that I'm one of the main advocates that we should be basing our mission focus and therefore buildings on the main growing demographic of our area - families who materially are doing quite well. I've grown strongly in the direction of seeing it as important to "become all things to all people in order that we might save some" , or in my words - doing whatever it takes to connect with a people group in order that they might see the invitation to participate in the kingdom of God and join in on that. And we find ourselves in an area where a main growing demographic are families who are materially doing quite well. Alongside that, those of us who are committed to mission on the ground in a day-to-day way long term have a heart for those people, as well as abilities to connect with them and offer things that are needed for this group. We also find ourselves having a sense that this is the group who God has invited us to focus our efforts towards as we seek to be his followers in this place at this time.

Those of us doing this process have thought long and hard about this and wrestled with it, praying and fasting and spending much time thinking and discussing it. Not only is the question the general "priority for the poor" question but also currently our building is a space that much of the week a handful of local very marginalised people spend alot of time and where we are heading this will not be possible. There is another faith community that does a great job connecting with those marginalised people but they do it in a more "program" way rather than the "open space" way we have been doing. However, in reality it is 6 or so people and all of us who work on the ground regularly see clearly that these people cannot be in a space that families are going to be safe in without much supervision (and that's if the families are comfortable being around them - which certainly several local families have strongly indicated they are not).

So it's a bit of a predicament really and we have felt called to move ahead strongly with the single focus on the site we are talking about but haven't felt free to leave aside the question of how we continue relationship with those we currently have connection with and also I haven't felt free to assume that what we are currently doing will definately conclude (though thinking it will on the current site we are talking about).

Several of the wider community around these decisions (people from the faith communities who gather in the space) are currently questioning this focus. Some of it is from their personal perspective: where do I fit in this? I like the wide range of people currently at gatherings - will that continue if the site and building are focused on families and children? Absolutely fair enough questions. Another range of questions centre around: difference is a key of the gospel and also a key of our community, this goes against that. Yet another range of questions centre around: how can we not be focusing on the marginaised, especially how can we be creating a space where at least much of the time they would not be welcome, especially as a people of faith how can we do that. An extension of those questions centre around our responsibilities to those we currently have relationship with and who currently find themselves "at home" in the space we are discussing.
Great questions - I love that they are being asked and discussed and not easily left.

It's also an interesting journey for me personally - I find myself owning that I am more gifted than most in my abilities to minister with the marginalised, I find my passion for ministry with families and children coming to the fore once again, I find myself more strongly than ever believing in incarnational ministry - thinking that it's important to "become like" the people we are seeking to connect with, I find myself facing the realities of time, space, money and energy more than ever, I understand more than ever the need to make hard decisions, I find myself thinking it's important for us to stay in the struggle of what we think theologically, what the missiological needs and questions are and what we feel God's saying - and what it means to help others stay in the struggle.

And while spending hours thinking, discussing, praying and writing about those issues, I have been planning the next stage of the space becoming a "Family Wellbeing Centre" which starts on 1st October and planning timelines and project plans into next year.

And while doing that, doing the many things that our current and future ministry in this area requires. One of the things I love about things currently is the excitement that some staff have around what we are doing and being part of the vision - it's great to have such people working for us (I did semi hunt them down as people with the missiological ethos we need in the space at this time!!!!) I also love the stories daily of connections we have with people of all kinds, in the space and in the suburb; I love being part of the rhythms and relationships of this local community.

Great excitement and focus in the midst of struggle and questioning, that would be the title of my week!

Satisfied

It's been a long day but I'm deeply satisfied. It's been a day of much life and one which I've loved with every part of me. All the same, I will be glad to get into bed tonight. (Right now I'm across at my lovely friend's across the road whose computer I am using to connect to the internet!)

This morning I led Solace Sunday stuff think through the connection between Thin Places, Open Hearts and Spiritual Practices. What? you may ask! It's teaching prompted by Marcus Borg's book "The Heart of Christianity" which numerous parts of the Solace network are exploring at the moment. He draws on the Celtic tradition to speak about "Thin Places" - the times when this reality is "permeated" by experiencing "the more", God and the things of the transcendant. So I led us in thinking about the Thin Places in our lives, what it means to have open hearts and a little on spiritual practices. I then spoke on how they interconnect. I'm conscious that this relationship is deep, mysterious and complex - that's what I read in others experience and also is true in mine. As I live in practices I find I experience Thin Places and I find my heart opened. Likewise, as I open my heart I find myself experiencing Thin Places and find myself wanting to engage in spiritual practices. I also find myself engaging in practices, which opens my heart and that leads me to experience Thin Places.

I then felt strongly led to catch up with a friend who had texted during the morning - a great time which I sense was quite profound.

Tonight at our 5pm service I led us in a time looking at Ecclesiastes. I've been thinking and encouraging us to think about the phrase "everything is meaningless", "vanity of vanities" as being about temporariness and in particular the concept of "everything being unable to be able to fully be grasped" or "everything is puzzling" which in my understanding is closer to the Hebrew word that it is a translation of.
I then had a profound "Thin Place" experience as I had communion - a time of experiencing the one who is unable to be grasped who I love dearly and deeply and in a way that I can't even begin to grasp my love of! His invitation tonight was to allow myself to enter into not grasping life at a deeper level - and tonight I did that and experienced a profound sense of being caught up in the largeness of life, all that is. It's an experience beyond words.

Time for bed - knowing that life is good, God is good, while life and God are both beyond graspability!
(and time to let my friend go to bed too!!!)

Robbed

I'm housesitting at the moment and a couple of days ago the house was broken into.  I came home and my laptop was gone, my old phone and various things of the owners.  It was clearly someone on foot so small things.  I've never been broken into before - it's a wierd feeling.  

How do I feel?  Violated, invaded, on edge.  Interesting ...

Isaiah 30:15

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength.

What was that???

I'm asleep and wake with what I initially thought was a noise off the street - was it?  I don't know.  I'm deeply asleep and wake with what sounds like a trumpet or sax playing a stanza.  After initial vague thoughts not very complementary to whoever was making the noise at this time of morning I roll over and look at the time - it 3.43am.  It's at that point I realised the day that it was and the significance of this early hour on this day.  It's 4 years today since Paul died.  And it would have been at around that time.  

Over the last couple of days as I've been conscious of the date approaching I have been conscious of my age.  I didn't have the details in my head of exactly how old Paul was when he died - but discovered yesterday - he was 32.  So this is the first year at the anniversary that I am older than he was when he died - that's hitting me this year. 

Paul - I remember your life and death today ... thankful for who you were and thankful that now you are known and know fully.

Others for whom this day is significant - I'm conscious of you on this day and pray for space and ability for it to be what it needs to be on this day 4 years on.  

Grateful

Grateful - that was the word that came to the fore out of the mixture of emotions that were around yesterday.  Grateful for lots of things.  Grateful for the kind of support that has been around me - while there are times when the people I would have hoped for support from haven't been that, I recognise that the support I do have is of an amazing quality; there have been excellent people on this journey.  Grateful that Mum died when she did.  I can't imagine how mum would have aged without killing herself with anxiety and worry (umm ... and maybe she did anyway!).  But the grateful part of me is grateful that she didn't need to go through more of that and I'm also thankful for myself and others around her that we didn't have to cope with that especially in the possibility of it being mixed with increasing dementia.  And especially grateful for who I have continued to become through it all.

Grateful - it's a good place.

Grief

Friday is the Yahrzeit of Mum's death ie. in Jewish terms the anniversary of someone's death.  It's a little tricky to know which is the "real" date as we know mum died on the 11th July but we found her on the 17th July.  For me the most significant date is the 11th.  

This week is surprising me somewhat.  I wasn't expecting it to be easy ... but it's different to what I was expecting ... even though as I think about it what I'm experiencing is probably in the very normal zone.  I was expecting Friday, and the lead up, to be hard.  But I think I was expecting a very specific kind of hardness, I guess a bit more specific and almost explosive, momentary.  What I'm experiencing though can best be described as dullness.  It's greyness at it's most grey.  It's close to tears but not really being there.  It's dull and constant!  It's also familiar - with a different edge to it and with less ability to observe it as well as experience it, much of last year I lived in this place.  But in a sense it's shocking me.

In the midst of that dullness I'm also very good - life is good and it's very good to be into things after being away.

Back to Melbourne Life

My holiday has been good.  The first half of the first week I spent in Melbourne - a lot of low key work physically sorting out stuff and purchasing stuff for a working bee for church.  You might say - how was this a holiday!  It was most definately - re-creational.  I did it in a relaxed attitude and did some physical, satisfying, creative, order creating work; definately re-creational!  Then I went to Sydney and had a relaxing week or so with good friends in a place that is highly relaxing for me to stay in (a second home).  Then a trip around places of import in my family - all 4 of my parents graves, places my parents used to live, places I used to live, cups of tea with people who knew me as a baby, more tea with people who grew up with mum and also her cousin ... and finding my great great grandmothers grave and my great grandfathers grave.  Exhausting stuff but once in a lifetime stuff.  (I'll write more about that over coming days)  Then several wineries - and lots of wine tasted and purchased.  

Now I'm back in Melbourne and mostly back (although a little family history consumed).  I'm excited to be back - already some great stuff has happened and I'm excited about the coming months.  For this week - a retreat day by myself tmw, in SPACE on Tuesday and various meetings and work to do on Wednesday and Thursday.  On Tuesday I also start a small business course which I'm excited about.

Sad by Reality - and deeply moved ...

One of the things I did while I was in Sydney was go to the church that I was part of as a teenager.  It was a church that shaped me deeply and there is no way I'd be where I am today if it wasn't for the embrace, teaching, example, passion for godliness and mission and much more which was given to me in the midst of this community of God's people.  And in so many ways this continues to be true.  Some of my closest friends are people who were part of this community and many people who are still part of this community I deeply respect.  It's lovely to be embraced in a community which you haven't been part of for 15 years.  Several of the people who were part of this community with me are now elsewhere around Australia and the world and several who are still part of this church I am in contact with in other ways.  Probably some of the key readers of this blog fit into one of those categories.  And those relationships are really important to me - but separate to going to church when I'm in Sydney (even though this time I had really important conversations with both the people of one such couple at church after the service!)  And many of the people who I have no other contact with other than Sunday at church when I visit are also important to me.  However, I think I may well have just visited this church for the last time as my standard thing to do in a visit to Sydney.  Part of it is that life has moved a long way, it's been a long time.  But most of it is the fact that I am in the process of being an ordination candidate in the Anglican Church.  You see this is a Sydney Presbyterian Church.  There are many awkward moments when I say what I do for work and it gets even more uncomfortable when I say I'm almost finished a Master of Divinity and then neither of us knows quite how to deal with the next thing - that I'm an ordination candidate for priesthood.  Several of the people who matter to me from my Sydney world also personally do not agree in theory with with women being ordained in such roles and in various ways we've needed to work out what it means to journey together in grace and a sense of unity with deep differences which involve much of what I'm embracing in life - to enable important current friendships to continue we have needed to work out what it means to live with these differences, being true to ourselves; I feel in a good place with most of these people around that.  However, the people I see after church and not at other times are plain awkward and it feels unnecessary so.  Why do I need to make them uncomfortable?  Why do I need to put something in front of myself that I don't need to?  We don't have the context, relationship or need really to discuss it properly but it doesn't seem to do anything good for anyone.  And it will just get worse as I'm ordained.  So not based on anything about the gathering itself (in fact I enjoyed much of the service last Sunday) I think I may well have just attended my last non "special event" service at the church of my teenage years.  I'm sad by the reality of that but as I wrote this became deeply moved by where the friends who have other views and I are at.  While I say sad by the reality - there's also a sense in which it's just deep freedom to be who I am and to allow them to be who they are and to know that the best way to do that is to avoid the unnecessary discomfort.  

Deeply Satisfied

I'm sitting at home after a good friend has left at the end of my first day back at work after 2 weeks of leave.  My current fav music is Enya which is on and my current fav hot drink as Oriental Tea House's Tropical Dream which I have in one of fav mugs.  I've just had a deeply sole enriching time with a very good friend who journeys deeply with me and me likewise with him.  The journey is a privilege and deeply life enriching.

One of things that we were talking about is what a picture of a "safe place" is for us (prompted by a book I've been reading about trauma treatment and the need to help people find a "safe place" in themselves to go to when they are going beyond what they are well able to handle as they are facing the trauma in their lives).  One such picture for me is a lovely night I had in Sydney during my holiday with two of the readers of this blog.  In a sense there was nothing special about this night.  At another level it was literally heaven on earth.  It was a night with two of the people who have journeyed much life with me and who accept me deeply for who I am and I likewise (and have for almost 20 years).  None of us now live in Sydney so it was a night that was special because we certainly can't do it every week - one lives in Canada, one in country NSW, and I'm in Melbourne.  We're also at somewhat different life stages so it was a gift that on many occasions would have been more difficult to have happen - and so we were especially thankful for one of our mum's who looked after another one of our toddlers.  There was gift from people other than us for this night to be what it was - of this we were deeply grateful.  So that's the setting for this night.

The night itself was at a restaurant which I really wanted to go to and hadn't been to for years in Darling Harbour.  The environment and food was great (for me, garlic snails, kangaroo and creme caramel with a glass of pinot from NZ).  We wandered through  Darling Harbour and around to King St Wharf and found a place we liked (recognising thoroughly our age by the places we were avoiding!!!) for a cocktail.  Now the environment, the food and the alcohol were all great - but the specialest thing about this night was gentle presence with good long term, life-giving people.  You can't trade that for the world.  

And I realise that even a night a year ago with these same people, in the same setting, with the same circumstances wouldn't have been as close to "heaven on earth" as this night was for me because of the difference in me!  I was able to deeply enter into this night in a way I have never been able to before.  There is deep freedom in me to be present and enter in and enjoy - I can't say how delightful it is.

So deep thanks to God who was and is and will be present, bringing life of all kinds into being.  And deep thanks to special friends who journey life together - be it over distance much of the time.