Loneliness - the way of the Cross

I had cause to reflect today on just how lonely some aspects of my journey are. Don't get me wrong - I have ACE people around and in much I am very content with who is around me - they are great! But today I was very aware of the loneliness of some aspects of my life - particularly around some things I'm involved in organising for Easter. After having mentioned it to a friend as we were discussing Easter and what we are planning, I came away and processed what was going on for me a bit. And then I had a profound moment. Simple but so profound it blew me away. Loneliness was exactly the journey of Jesus on the path to the cross ... and at the cross. Phew - that's blown me away for the rest of the day.

Transformative Grace

Here's another way of describing the things that I was trying to describe below in the post "mystery". Thanks Anj for reminding me of these words of Richard Foster:

When we despair of gaining inner transformation through human power of will and determination, we are open to a wonderful new realization: inner righteousness is a gift from God to be graciously received. The needed change within us is God's work, not ours. The demand is for an inside job, and only God can work from the inside. We cannot attain or earn this righteousness of the kingdom of God; it is a grace that is given.....

God has given us the Disciplines of the spiritual life as a means of receiving His grace. The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that He can transform us.

Richard Foster
Celebration of Discipline
Harper & Row, 1978, pp. 5-6.

Question of Discernment

Paul Fromont share some questions of discernment which he has heard from Rowan Williams. I love them and find them really useful.

Some important questions for reflection at the heart of discernment:

(a) What course of action more fully seems to resonate with the kind of life Christ lived and lives?

(b) What course of action opens up more possibilities for God to ‘come through’?

(c) What opens rather than closes doors for God’s healing, forgiving, reconciling, and creating work to go on?

“There is no guarantee that in any situation there will be only one clear and compelling answer. In the process of asking these questions, in the very process of reflecting and discerning we are making space in ourselves for the life of Christ and the creative movement of God…”

Mystery

There have been some things that I've been wanting to change in my life for ages that I have just seemed powerless to change, things that God's calling me to that have seemed so basic but just so out of reach. Over years I've seen difference but it continues to be a battle and I often get discouraged in it all. Last week a conversation helped me to both relax in it but also be more serious about it at the same time! I realised that the sadness that I felt over my lack of ability to live in the way I'm being called to - and even more the results of that - is actually something that will get worse not better as I live in it more ... the more you know (experience kind of know) God and live in the ways he's calling you to, the more you will be sad about the ways in which you are not. So I've had to face the question of "do you want the sadness to go away or do you want to know God?" - and have certainly resolved that I want to know God and if sadness comes with that territory, so be it.
But in the meantime something mysterious has happened in me - in these things that seem to have had a hold on me for so long, I'm seeing real difference. Not thru striving or really working hard at deciding but really just thru making the kind of call I've talked about above and I guess (in quite a low key way really) looking to God to do it because I know I can't myself and giving up on some of the other answers of how change might come. What I've expereinced, observed, seen in myself is just a welling up of choices in the direction that I'm being called to walk in. It's almost (but not quite) like "of course this is what you'd do".
As this is happening I guess a couple of things have been in my mind: "what the law was powerless to do" ... I'm seeing so clearly that living by the "law" (even God's call in a sense) is powerless to break the hold of darkness, lostness and brokeness in me, as is disgust, striving, systems or any of the other things I've tried over the years. The other thing is the fruit of the spirit in the message "What happens when we live God's way? We see fruit arising in us in much the same way as fruit appears in an orchard ..." Yep that describes the experience I'm living. Deeply mysterious but deeply real and definately life producing.

Self-revelation; Authenticity

It's bizarre for someone who has always kind of prided themselves in their authenticity to have that reality challenged but that is what is happening for me. A range of things that have happened recently have encouraged me to be more true to myself in what I reveal to others. I guess over the last while I have got somewhat self-protecting in what I choose to reveal to others - having gone from a place where I reveal too much for unhealthy reasons, I've gone in some ways to a place of not revealling where really it would be good to reveal more. I've especially been really conscious of the invitation to others that my appropriate self-revelation is.

Back to the Blog

Talking to someone about things on their blog yesterday, they pointed out just how long it had been since I blogged so I thought I would change that :) I have been reading blogs and life has been very full and also much of the stuff that has been happening for me has not been appropriate to be put in a public forum ... but much has but I've just been too busy living it! Or not enough emotional energy to sit down and right about it. The last few months has seen Tracy and I take over the op shop completely (on behalf of St Paul's), I ran all the Solace Sunday gatherings in December including an inter-generational Christmas Eve service which was one of the best gatherings of that style I've ever seen I reckon (had lots of fun working with my friend and colleague Naomi on it), we ran Children's Advent activities in December in Station St Fairfield, I've been preparing for and then supporting Scripture Union missions around Victoria (just a small job!!!!), I've resigned from my job and finishing on 23rd Feb. Those are the external things. Alongside that much is also happening internally. At one level I'm exhausted in every possible way, at another I've never been more alive. Much is opening up in front of me, some I know what's happening, most I don't, much I have glimpses of what God's up to but not the whole picture. I reckon I'll be back a bit more regularly now (well that's not hard given my recent history!).

Sleepless night so I'll write about Coffee!

Can't sleep - so I thought i might as well do something I've been meaning to do for ages - ie. start writing about coffee. I will write about some of the conversations and times that I have over coffee (and tea, other drinks and food too) but I figure telling the stories of my coffees might be an interesting way of discussing my life. So let me think back ... On Saturday, I grabbed a latte at Alfio's, the cafe where I am most a "regular" - they definately know my order and by the time and how I come in and can tell whether I am there for take away or sitting down ... they can't yet tell whether I'm there alone or expecting to meet someone though. Went to work for a bit (love the office with no-one in it) and then went and had a late lunch and a latte with Tim and Tracy after they'd been in the op shop for the morning. Great lunch and coffee at Organic Gertrude, another place on Station St in Fairfield. Sunday - let me see if I can remember ... ah yes ... brunch with a girl who I mentor at Qube on Station St - Pancakes and yep you guessed it a latte. Then home and I had a cup of T2 French Earl Gray Tea with my neighbours who popped over for a chat. Then off to work and we had our opening of new office building - I got so busy talking to people that I really didn't get near food or drink of any kind. Then church and pizza for dinner with one of the other people from St Paul's. So we are up to Monday. It's the day I'm in the op shop and I grab a take away latte from Degani's on Station St before going into the chruch building where our op shop is and having a few moments of quiet reflection before the day begins. Mid afternoon when I'm beginning to fade I pop next door and get a latte from the Greek cafe to one side of our church building. Monday night - yum food and a glass of wine and dinner with Tracy & Tim, Chris, Sally & Abby, and Jeff and Virginia. Lovely night. So we come to Tuesday. (yes we begin to see a life where coffee and food are important) Having left the car at work on Monday night, I walk to work and drop by Alfio's and get a latte as I walk. A bit later I'm back at Alfio's for a meeting with Stu from Solace - planning some things for the next couple of Sunday's and varous other things. Tuesday night girls over last night - and I cooked a roast and finished off a bottle of wine with Rach. So we are up to today - my Wednesday morning coffee ritual was broken as the MacLean's were out of coffee and Tracy, Liv and I pray together on Wednesday morning - so tea for me this morning. Mid morning I was a bit brain foggy so I popped out for a coffee and some food - went to a great cafe on Heidelberg Road called Apte an had Mueseli (best I've had in a long time) and a latte - and got my head around where life and work was up to. Back to work and then at the end of the day at quite a frustrated moment went back to Alfio's, got my laptop out on one of the outside tables ordered a latte and had a very productive 30 minutes writing most of an email to mission directors.

For those of you who want a glimpse of my life - that's not a bad one - as I said my life around coffee and food!

Multi stage of life relating ...

I view myself as extremely privelged - I am close to people across various age ranges and stages of life, something which I'm soooo thankful for and appreciate the richness of daily. Soemone once called me "ageless" describing how I can relate naturally and as myself to people across the spectrum of life.

Yesterday a friend and I spoke about a situation where a single person very obviously stated that they wouldn't be bringing anything to a function. The friend is a mum of a 2 year old and was quite taken aback by the single person's statement. Now there's more in that situation (which explains stuff on both sides) but it got me thinking and led to me having a conversation last night with a close friend who is also a mum of a 3yr old and 1 yr old.

In the situation I mentioned the mum was commenting on "we're managing something and we have a kid" and I could easily imagine the single person thinking "it's just me, I'm just one extra". Last night my friend and I were talking about how hard it is for us to see outside of the situation in life that we are currently in. I also think that for most of us in the kind of circles I'm in whatever the stage of life we are so time poor that we often think it must be easier for someone else at a different life stage or life situation to do something. In reality, I think this is rarely true.

This also led onto another conversation I had during the week about a single person relating to families. Relating about this again last night, it struck us how often we resent things in each others lives because it means that we "get" less of what we want from the other person: might be a partner, might be kids, might be work, might be a hobby - but whatever it is it's not about the "thing" whatever it might be but rather about us not getting what we want and feel is rightfully ours.

How hard it is for us to really understand each others lives, to trully live ours fully, to accept and celebrate where we are and where others are and look for the creative opportunities and invitation for connection across them.

A Whinge about Whinges!

I find myself increasingly tired of peoples whinges about church. It's not that I don't care - i profoundly do. It's not that I think they are not legitimate, and often true - they often are. It's just that I really do reckon there are bigger things in life for us as God's people to be giving our attention to then whether others are talking to us! I'm just somewhat over how inwardly focused we as God's people are - when there is just so much need in the world, AND so much about God and each other for us to enjoy too!
So I guess that means that I'm over myself sometimes too - I'm not immune from the whinging about church bug :) But gosh I long for us as God's people to be deeply the people we are called to be.

Future of God Amongst the People of God

Great post by Paul Fromont about what it means for the future of God to be amongst the People of God and how we as congregations/communities shape our lives for transformation.
Excellent stuff.

Benedict continued

I'm really enjoying Joan Chittister's commentary on The Rule of Benedict.

Here's one of the gems:
"it is up to the monastic to let the practices of the community and the rhythm of prayer life work their way until the piercing good of God rises in them like yeast in bread"

Life

There are so many good things in life at the moment. And so many tiring things. And quite a number of things that suck energy. Had a few days away last week on retreat which was really centering and refreshing. Last weekend was our community weekend away - some really good things, some really average things. We are in the process of architects tendering for the initial stages of the redevelopment of our church building - so exciting. People are people - amazing potential both for good and bad, and this week I've seen and experienced both of those in others and in myself.

Benedict's Rule

I've just started reading Joan Chittister's commentary on the The Rule of Benedict, after hearing/reading about it 3 times within one day a few weeks ago I ordered this book in.

So expect to hear some stuff from it over the coming weeks.

p20 "Obedience, Benedict says - the willingness to listen for the voice of God in life - is what will wrench us out of the limitations of our own landscape. We are being called to something outside of ourselves, something greater than ourselves, something beyond ourselves."

p22 "Benedict is begging us here to realize that God is the only lifeline that life guarantees us."

Dying well

A friend is in her last days at the moment and of course that raises all sorts of questions.

In particular, I've been asking: what does it mean to die well? And what does it mean to let go?

I'm sure these are related to: what does it mean to live well?

Which reminds me of the balence I've been thinking about recently: I've been really conscious of how building the Kingdom of God is God's business, yet what we do really does matter. How hard is for us to live in a healthy, balenced place with regard to that - not thinking that it is our job or business to build the kingdom in our own strength and effort BUT knowing and acting as if what we do really does matter.

Virtual hugs and sighs

Some of the community remembering Paul today write, here, here, and here

Sighs in Memory

2 years.
Not long.
Yet so long.
Grief still real.
Pondering, wondering, wishing,
mixed feelings, if onlys, unknowns -
just as real as ever.

Time heals they say,
yes in some ways that's true,
but from many a grief I know so well
that some grief, sadness and pain remains.
I don't want it be different -
it honours the person, honours my pain,
honours the creator of life.

Words come slowly and hard;
in many ways they don't matter,
but a sense of loss has been the phrase for me today.
However, it's more being present with myself,
present with the community around the world
who grieves together on this day - especially the closest ones,
and from that place arises a deep, deep sigh.

I felt the pain of aloneness,
of the world around not knowing how to acknowledge;
people not understanding the significance,
not knowing the reality,
of people not knowing how to be present in grief
that is past but oh so present, especially on this day.

And the day draws to a close,
and I'm content within,
and I know that I am part of a community around the world,
for whom this day remains a day to remember,
the life of Paul Hughes.

Sustainability or Self-Protection

Had a really helpful conversation with a good long-term friend on Friday night. This friend (Sonja, for those of you who know her) has lived in community for a number of years now and it's been fun to watch how God has taken us along similar but different paths and how lovely it is to be able to share with each other from our quite similar, yet different, contexts.

Almost out of no-where, we got to talking about the fine line between sustainability and self-protection in community. When you are in community for the long haul you need to act in ways today that are going to allow this way of life to be sustainable for the next year, 5 or 20. How easy is it though for that to slip over into self-protection - I'm going to protect myself so that I can be here tomorrow ... or more honestly, I'm not going to be honest with you, open with you, present with you, I'm going to withdraw myself and desperately protect myself, time, energy, emotions etc.

As I've thought more about it, I think it's about open or closed hearted-ness. Sustainability really is about more than yourself, in a really healthy way, it's a way of life, it feels open, it's a strong choice for the community. Self-protection, on the other hand, is closed, it's reactive (I need this), it's about closing yourself off, it's a choice away from community.
The actions we take from these places might be exactly the same but they are such different motivations and lead us towards life-giving places or death-gripping places. The choice I make today to be open, vulnerable and honest makes it easier to be open tomorrow.

A concert or dinner party?

Here's an email from a member of our community (Ian) to our faith community email list: What do you reckon?

Hi All,

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about how we view “church” (by which I mean all the activities Solace people do together as Solace people). What kind of a thing do we think Solace is? I suspect that this is important, because whatever kind of thing we decide that church is, will affect the way we choose to engage with each other through this thing we call church. We are likely to behave in ways that would be typical/acceptable in that kind of gathering.

So what is Solace? Is it club like a sports club? Is it like a professional association? Is it like going to a concert or a regular live music gig? Is it like an invitation to dinner or a barbeque with old friends? Is it like kindergarten, school, or work? Is it like a book club? What do you think?

I want to argue that for us to succeed in building a self-sustaining network of friends in Jesus spirituality; we need to think of Solace as more like an invitation to dinner or a barbeque than like a concert. By self-sustaining, I mean that there is a critical mass of people involved; that they stay for long enough to be formed and to form others; and that their kids find life in this.

If Solace is like a concert then it (whatever Solace activity we might be thinking of) is an event that we can go to if we wish. Our attendance or non-attendance at the event doesn’t alter the event. We see ourselves as observers and not central to the concert and it won’t be diminished or cancelled if we don’t go. Also, it isn’t affected by whether we choose to talk to anyone while we’re there. And over time, as our tastes change we can stop attending one band’s concerts and move on to another band without causing any pain.

If Solace is like an invitation to dinner with old friends, then it (whatever Solace activity we might be thinking of) is a gathering that only exists because of those who attend. Our decision to attend or not to attend will alter the gathering. We are not observers, we are central to making the gathering what it will be. It will be diminished and in some cases cancelled if we don’t go, and the gathering would be significantly affected if we chose not to talk to anyone while we were there. If we decide to leave this group of friends behind and move on to another group of friends there will be pain.

And there’s more. If a Solace gathering is like a dinner party or barbeque with old friends, then other guests (including their kids) will be disappointed if we are not there. The host will be disappointed and might be annoyed if we did not call ahead to indicate that we had to cancel.

I think the dinner gathering model more closely reflects what Solace is than the concert event model does. And thinking of Solace as a series of gatherings is more likely to generate the outcomes we want than thinking of Solace a series of events.

We don’t go to Solace, we are Solace. Our decisions about whether we choose to attend things and how we interact with each other when we do will make Solace what it is, or is not to become. What ever we want Solace to be is what we have to become in order to participate in making it happen.

Do we want to feel welcome? We have to welcome people.

Do we want our friends to be there when we attend? We have to commit to being at the gatherings we’re committed to, and share these commitments with our friends so they know when to expect us. And if we can’t make it, we need to call significant friends to let them know we won’t be there and perhaps make other arrangements to meet. We also have to commit to being open to forming new friends as people join us, so that they can become part of the gathering too.

Do we want the experience of worshiping with and growing with the same group of good friends over many years? Then we have to commit with Solace (or somewhere else) to be a long-term engaged member, and to put a high priority on gathering as Jesus' friends.

Our response to this is that we want Solace to feel welcoming, we want to worship with our friends and we want to keep doing so for many years. So we’re making the commitment to welcome, to befriend, and to stick around.

What do you want? What metaphor for Solace works for you? What behaviours does it call for from you? What’s your response?
.....

Here's my response:

Certainly more of a dinner party than a concert in my view (and how I live) …



But probably less “gathering” focused (although that too) and more of an ongoing dinner party … mmm, maybe for me more of a life being a party (you know the kind where people come and go at whatever time) with specific times for speeches which is the time everyone tries to make sure they are around for (which in our case are the various “gatherings”)

But I like.

AND the focus on committing to the journey together too.

Are we really?

One of my favourite quotes is from Dallas Willard:
"You are safely more than what you do".

In the shower this morning (where all good quotes come!), I was reflecting on this quote and a thought popped into my head "But are you safely more than what you haven't done".

My thoughts led me onto how other people demand stuff of us nd that for some people - just in the way that they weigh us by what we do, those same people, or others, wiegh us by what we have not done - those things define who we are, at least at that time, for them.

Now I'm not justifying what I haven't done (seriously!) - but I do reckon that it's a good line of thought for a Sabbath. How do we define people by what they haven't done? (generally because we are ourselves so desperate to have it done!) AND, without being slack or justifying our non-action how do we encourage those people do not define by those things.

Thankfully, I know deeply (most of the time) that as far as God is concerned I am safely more than both what I do and what I don't do!

Three words

Three words that have meaning for me right now:
Posture, Decision, Present

Posture - living in a posture that is submissive to God

Decision - making real, emotional decisions which follow from that posture

Present - being really present with whover/whatever/wherever I am, having made good decisions then and previously and trusting in my posture before God.