flyinginbluesky

Getting to the Core

2012-01-02T01:45:00.001+11:00

How do you know the core of the message you are trying to communicate?

That's a question that I have been pondering in numerous guises over recent times. As I ponder, I'm conscious that it feels hard to work out the core of what you are trying to communicate - it feels like it's often too hard in fact.

But I'm reinforced in the belief that it is important.

Ideas that stick according to Dan and Chip Heath are ones that are simple (though often profound): they get to the core and are compact.

So if the ideas that I'm wanting to communicate matter then I need to do the work to get to the core and communicate that core in a way that is compact.

Present or Future Self?

2011-12-27T12:50:00.000+11:00

How many of us use commitment devices of some kind in order to help us choose the things we want to choose? One such commitment device is stickK.

Here is a great TED talk that recognises the benefit of commitment devices but explores some alternative ways of helping behaviour change that involves imagining our future selves dependent on what choices we make today as our present selves. Motivating and helps us understand at a deep level the connection between the choices we make today and the people we will be or what we will have in the future.

The Prodigal God - by Tim Keller

2011-08-10T23:56:00.000+10:00

I recently read the book "The Prodigal God: Recovering the Heart of the Christian Faith" by Timothy Keller. It was a great and easy read; though challenging to the core.

As you can probably guess, the book is based on the story of the two sons, often spoken of as The Prodigal Son story. This story always helps me continue to grasp the Father's heart and who I am and the Father's embrace of me. Over the last couple of years I've been in numerous situations where this story has been at the fore: considering Henri Nouwen's book last year in my faith community gathering and also having a print of the picture based on this story in my workplace last year. The story has shaped me deeply over recent years.

This book refreshed much of that shaping - and shaped me afresh too. A few points of Keller's book that stood out to me were: an emphasis on who the hearers of this story were (a mixed group of listeners); the emphasis on the eldest sons lostness as well as the lostness of the younger son; the fact that the story ends with us not knowing how the story really ends; the Father's initiative in coming out to both sons. However, the thing that really struck me was Keller's exploration of Jesus as the "true elder brother" and the cost to the elder brother of the Father's welcoming home of the younger son. This exploration has left me pondering - and thankful.

Formational Children's Ministry by Ivy Beckwith

2011-07-23T18:52:00.000+10:00

Ivy Beckwith is one of the people writing about children's ministry currently whose ideas I most resonate with. Having read this book over the last few days, I would highly recommend it to anyone who has a role with children.

The title "Formational Children's Ministry: shaping children using story, ritual and relationships"is a very good descriptor of the book. The key idea of the book is the formation of children (as opposed to giving children knowledge). In discussing this formation, the book discusses the importance of story (God's story, their story, our family story, the story of the church through the ages and the individual faith community story), the importance of ritual and the importance of different types of relationships.

There are some good practical examples about how to engage story, ritual and relationships in the formation of children and it's a book with a balanced understanding of the role of family and the role of the faith community in the formation of children. Another thing that I thought that Ivy does really well is speak across a broad range of expressions of "church" - broad evangelical, liturgical and emerging.

Without spelling it out constantly, the book also has a solid understanding of the current context of today's children, families and churches. One of my favourite quotes from the book embodies this understanding:
"The millennials and futuristic adaptives, the two generations we currently teach in our churches, are not primarily linear thinkers. They do think logically and linearly, but it is not the only way they think, and it is not necessarily their preferred way of processing information. Therefore, lessons that are heavily dependent on linear thinking are not going to capture them the same as lessons that include kinesthetic, intuitive, affective, and 'loopy' ways of processing information." (p28)

Parents, people involved in children's ministry, ministers, teachers, friends of kids - I highly recommend it!

The Amazing South of WA

2011-07-01T00:50:00.000+10:00

A lovely couple of days.

On Tuesday morning, my friend Kylie and I left Perth and drove to Bremer Bay. A very wet drive. The initial purpose of this trip is for me to see the locations of the Family Missions that happen around WA over summer. That meant that we went via Brookton in the wheatbelt - check out the sites that the mission use and got a sense of the town. I'm increasingly conscious that there are things you just can't know without seeing a place for yourself - it's so valuable. Then a late lunch at Stumpy's Roadhouse - we've said that "roadhouses are our friend"! Then the long drive to Bremer Bay.

We stopped in Katanning for a quick walk and Kylie was impressed with the friendliness of the locals driving past in utes! We spent some time trying to work out whether we needed to eat there - or whether we would make it to Bremer Bay in time for the restaurant at the place we were staying. A phone call to the place we were staying indicated that they thought we would make it. We followed there advice - and made it in plenty of time. But it is a consideration that I am learning to regularly take into account in my WA life, even more so outside of Perth.

Bremer Bay Resort more than met our expectations. After settling into our room, we went into the restaurant and ordered dinner - lamb shanks for me, lamb curry for Kylie; glass of white wine for Kylie, glass of red for me. Very satisfying. TV / Computer time / Sleep followed.

As we woke up on Wednesday and opened the blind, we were greeted by a clear morning and a view of the local river. After packing the car, we headed up for breakfast at the restaurant - the best breakfast I have ever had! Eggs Florentine.

I chatted to a friend while we ate; Kylie read some of her book. We then talked for a couple of hours while sitting in a lovely spot.

Eventually we got moving. And checked out the beach in Bremer Bay.

As we drove around the town we came across a "Barbara St". Of course, I needed to take a photo. Kylie suggested that it was a sign ... a sign of what? It would be a pretty good place to live! We resisted taking the sign!

Once we were finished with the township we headed out to the caravan park out of town. This is the place that the mission team stay at - and part of my purpose on this trip is to check out such places. The owner and staff were friendly and clearly appreciative of the teams presence there in January. They also proved to be our tourist information - and pointed us in the direction of beaches to check out before we left the area - and recommendations for our next few days as we continued around the coast. Before we left the Bremer Bay area we headed down to Blossom Beach which the owner of the caravan park had recommended to us.

Next on our journey was Cheynes Beach. A very small isolated place - where a mission team is over summer. We connected with the caravan park owner - who once again was helpful. And after checking out the location of where they run the program in January, we headed down to the beach.

We walked along the beach - wanting to have a closer look at a boat that was on the water.

We couldn't have chosen a better time to be on the beach. Sunset - and such beauty.

And in the midst of that - a gorgeous photo opportunity.

As I look at that sunset - and reflect on what such beauty draws out of me, I'm reminded of the rainbows that we saw on the trip yesterday. A few different occasions we saw rainbows - on an occasion we could see the whole of a rainbow, another time we could see part of a double rainbow - special and a reminder of God's faithfulness.

Life is breathtaking. We saw and experienced many moments of such life yesterday and arrived into Albany tired from both days of driving but satisfied and having had a relaxing and fun day of exploring - as well as great interactions with staff of the caravan parks missions are connected with and gaining an understanding of the context they are ministering in.

No question - it was a day of experiencing the wonder of God's awesome creation.

Impact of death

2011-04-17T01:01:00.000+10:00

Death impacts us.

A week ago a friend of mine died.
Not someone I saw regularly.
But someone who was/is of importance to me.
Someone who is part of my history.

We have lived in separate places for most of our lives but our paths have crossed enough for connections to have continued. We met as children on Groote Eylandt. One of my clearest memories of her from that era was when I was 13 and was baptised and confirmed in October 1988. That night I stayed at Angurugu at her families place. At a lonely time in my life - she was a friend.

Some years later (1997), in what felt like another lifetime, I was at a national conference for an organisation that I was a volunteer with (and now work for) and there was Krysti, also heavily involved with this organisation. That week established our connection as adults - and people who cared passionately about our faith and seeing young people connect with and find real the person of Jesus. We also had some deep personal conversations around some of life history which also brought us closer. There was also some late nights of fun!

About 5 years later, Krysti came to Melbourne (where I lived at the time) to study at Bible College. Again connections continued. Not frequent but several during her time in Melbourne - enough to continue the friendship and the sense of connection around a shared history and shared passions in the present. And again a sense of fun.

Krysti returned to Darwin. Facebook continued our connection. And then in 2009 my uncle was seriously ill in Darwin - and Krysti once again was a friend, at a time when that is so what I needed. As soon as she heard, she showed her care and arranged for me to stay with her parents. She (and her family) had me over for dinner and we once again shared some significant moments of conversation - in the midst of one of the most stressful weeks of my life. Her presence, her actions and our conversations continued to help me be grounded in the One who was her, and my, source of hope and peace.

And now she has died. A journey of 18 months or so. A husband and two children. A life that has been well lived. A life that has been lived with passion. A strong sense by people close to her that she is now with the One she most loved. Deep grief for many who knew her - especially those closest.

I've felt the distance this last week.
I'm in Perth; I wanted to be in Darwin.
I've been thankful that I've been working in an organisation where a few people know of her - and know of her death. There is something about that connection that makes it easier.
I've been very conscious of those who are the closest people to her - having known something of deep grief myself, they have not been far from my thoughts and prayers this last week.
I've also been conscious of how death affects us - from whatever the point of our relationship to a person. For each of us the story is different. But its impact is profound - and not necessarily just for the closest. For me this week, I've felt a sense of isolation and disconnection - as I grieve the passing from this life of a friend who has shared some significant moments and have no co-grievers around me. There has been a deep sense of feeling for her family and those others closest to her. Along with that, there has been a thankfulness for her life full of faith, hope and passion and once again grief has plunged me into living fully in the moment that I find myself and being fully myself - embracing faith, hope and passion in the place that I find myself. Once again, I experience the journey of grief which embraces the "both/and" of such different emotions and thoughts and I find myself know something of the mysterious comfort of the "God of all comfort" and praying that those closest are also experiencing something of that comfort.

Centering Prayer

2011-04-08T12:37:00.000+10:00

I so often find the things on Paul Fromont's blog helpful and interesting - and often points me in the direction of various resources, books and articles. This is another post like that.

I loved this statement which is from Paul's notes in reflecting on Cynthia Bourgeault. So true of my experience.

"Centering prayer “patterns us” over time. It reprogram’s us to “let go” and to be “open”. It wires new channels of perception that enable us “to see the lines connecting the dots”; to “extend hospitality and hold together what are typically held as opposites; one over and against another!"

SUNO blog

2011-04-08T12:26:00.000+10:00

I am actually blogging a bit now - much more over on the SUNO blog connected with Scripture Union WA where I'm now working. You might like to put that blog in your feed reader or look at it occasionally - however you read your blogs! As I'm writing on that blog, I'm having all sorts of ideas that don't fit the scope of that blog - so I suspect that it will actually mean a decent amount more blogging on this blog too. Loosely speaking - things to do with missional living or missional leadership style things will be on the SUNO blog, with other things on here.

Today is a New Day

2010-12-17T15:20:00.000+11:00

This year I've been part of a gathering where we spend an hour each week doing 4 different spiritual exercises. In our last 6 week cycle, journalling was one of these. Here's a poem I wrote a few weeks ago:

Today is a new day
It's a brand new day
The breaking of the dawn
The coming of the new.

New adventures
New horizons
Life as we know it
Is left behind for good.

The future ahead
Possibilities abound
Trust is nurtured
And embraced.

It's anew day
New challenges
Life to be lived
Love to be loved.

Look forward
Not back
The world beckons
Respond with all of yourself.

Today is a new day
A day to be thankful for
Life to be lived
A day to live to the fullest.

Leave yesterday behind
It has shaped you
But there is no more to be done there
Today is the only day you can do anything about.

What is it that must be done today?
That is different from yesterday
And different from tomorrow.

What is the invitation for today?
Just today, not tomorrow
Not bound up in yesterday
Just today.

Excitement around a Female PM

2010-06-27T14:29:00.000+10:00

As the week in Australian politics has unfolded, I've watched people around me be excited about the first female PM in Australia, whatever they think of how it came about. I'm not unhappy about it - but the whole issue of women being in significant roles just doesn't fill me with excitement. And that has had me pondering - why is that? Alongside that I have numerous people around me who are very conscious of these issues in many areas of society - so I have much reason to ponder why these issues are not overly present for me.

As I've pondered this week, I think it's due to a strong belief that women can and will be in those roles and a sense of taking it for granted, even though it's physically never happened before. There is a sense in me of "of course, what's the big deal".

I do see that these issues are real in our society but there is a very real sense that they are not overly present for me ... thanks to all sorts of things in who I am and my upbringing.

Transitions

2010-03-07T11:44:00.000+11:00

Transitions. Interesting times. When we go through transitions, it's not just us going through them. They impact those around us. They impact our relationships. They impact our inner world. They impact our time. They impact our energy. They impact all around us. We are indeed interconnected individuals and each of our decisions impacts each other. If we do this, than we can't do that. If we do this, we won't want to do that. We often don't know the full impact of a transition until we are in it, or perhaps even after that season. We might be able to guess, others might be able to guess but it's only in the midst of it and in reflection on it that we can know it's real impact.

I'm very much enjoying my current transition - but I'm very conscious of the transition it is for others as well as me.

Oh Where are You Going?

2010-03-06T20:50:00.001+11:00

Recently, I was in a church service and we sang this song from the
Iona Commununity. The words really struck me:

1. Oh where are you going,
and can I come with you,
and why is your company
never the same?
You sit among beggars,
you argue with bankers,
debate with the lawyers
and walk with the lame.

2. Oh where are you going,
and can I come with you,
and what is your secret
towards which you strive?
What hidden inspirer,
what unseen admirer,
what dream is the substance
upon which you thrive?

3. I'm going on a journey
and welcome companions,
but don't ask me how we'll
survive, where we'll go,
or who will come with us,
or what we'll be doing.
Just join me in travelling
and learn all I know.

People you are around ...

2010-01-09T17:36:00.000+11:00

This post is interesting - about the way the people you are around shape you.

What do you think about this?
If you listened to it, what would you change?

I missed the link to it on Dave's blog but another friend saw it. Her reflection was "how might this shape what faith community we are around?" Very good question, I reckon about that and many other things.

Every Day

2010-01-03T00:09:00.000+11:00

I am regularly thankful for the formation of my teenage years. Below is one of the things that was in our church newsletter approx. 20 years ago that at various times has been on the wall of my bedroom or office. I was prompted to go find it tonight by a tweet by Bryan ... about a post that John Piper had written.

Reflections from Psalm 104

1. Every day, I will look into the sky and see the miracle of God.
2. Every day, I will open my eyes and ears to see mystery ... in a person, a flower, a cloud or a tiny and apparently little creature.
3. Every day, I will not tolerate the current idea of mindless and endless revolutionary process.
4. Every day, I will treat as a special gift from God, to be lived for Him.
5. Every day, I will determine not to believe that this day is merely another ambiguous and plodding 24 hours, but rather a meeting with God in everything I do, and everything that happens to me.
6. Every day, I will not demean my own uniqueness by envying others.
7. Every day, I will ask for and receive a new cleansing that God graciously offers in His Son.

Warn me someone!

2009-11-14T13:49:00.000+11:00

Would someone please warn me next time I start praying this prayer regularly that God's taken me on an interesting journey the last two times I've done that. Yet again this prayer makes it onto this blog! Thanks Thomas Merton!

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Spiritual Needs?

2009-11-08T14:57:00.000+11:00

Some people I'm around have been talking in terms of people's spiritual needs. I have been uncomfortable about these words - for some reasons that I have been able to touch into and some that I haven't. The ones I have been able to touch into have mostly been personality driven but I knew that there was more to it than that. So I've sat with it.

Today, while thinking about a tweet that I read the other day which I was also uncomfortable with about "God help us for the fact that people go to different churches or ministries according to what they need", some of my thoughts clarified.

I am very comfortable with people being involved in the process of giving and receiving in various contexts - I don't think the Bible in any way indicates something about "you must be part of one spiritual community". I do think that it's important that we live in true spiritual community - but that can be in many contexts. We are as likely to not be living in ways that allow others in as part of one community as we are living in relationships of authenticity, honesty, openness and growth in whatever contexts we find ourselves - Christian and otherwise. It's much more about our attitude than it is about whether we have "a" spiritual community. We are not an island, others do have a right and responsibility in the context of relationship to speak into our lives and we have a responsibility to hear and evaluate their words and their wisdom before God with openness, humility and critique and make changes based on those evaluations. We need to live with others in such relationships as to make that possible (now there's the challenge!).

So, given that, how do we choose what contexts we are in? This is where I agree with the tweet - I don't think it's based on our "needs", if our "needs" is simply "wants going to give me the connection with God I need" or something like that. That's what I am uncomfortable with in the wording in the first situation I outlined. Firstly, I think the question is "what context/s is God inviting me to be in - right now, today, for this season?" Sometimes we have a clear sense of that - and in our own discernment aided by those around us, we need to go with it even if it doesn't make "sense". Sometimes, to help us answer that question we need to ask some other questions. I think the real questions are not what are my "needs" but rather something along the lines of "what context/s would it be helpful for me to be in to empower my being in the world in ways where I 'live freely animated and motivated by God's spirit'?" Here the focus is not on me and my needs (which I think is dangerous in a consumer culture) but rather on God and God's world and our place in it.

To be honest, I think some of the issues that I'm uncomfortable with are somewhat ones of semantics in this case (ie. I think the people using the words would be on somewhat of the same page as me). However, they are semantics which matter to me. In a culture which all the time teaches me to consume, I don't want to be reinforced in this consumer mentality which puts me at the centre in my engagement with spirituality. I want the way I think about all the contexts in my life - spiritual community and otherwise - to keep reinforcing a perspective which places God and God's agenda and ways at the centre and it being from that place that I make decisions about the contexts in which I engage in. I want to form others in ways that reinforce those things.

I guess the words matter to me because they form me and others deeply.

Great Saints, Great Sinners

2009-10-17T11:36:00.002+11:00

Great Saints, Great Sinners

Richard Rohr

Sin and grace are related. In a certain sense the only way we really understand salvation, grace, and freedom, is by understanding their opposites. That's why the great saints are, invariably, converted sinners.

When you finally have to eat and taste your own hard-heartedness, your own emptiness, selfishness and all the rest, then you open up to grace. That is the pattern in all our lives. That's why it was such a grace in my hermitage year when I was able, at last---even as a male and a German---to weep over my sins and to feel tremendous sadness at my own silliness and stupidity.

I think all of us have to confront ourselves as poor people in that way. And that's why many of our greatest moments of grace follow upon, sometimes, our greatest sins. We are hard-hearted and closed-minded for years, then comes the moment of vulnerability and mercy. We break down and break through.
Source: Letting Go: A Spirituality of Subtraction
via inward/outward.

Being Busy

2009-10-15T17:18:00.001+11:00

"Being busy is a form of laziness : lazy thinking and indiscriminate action. Being overwhelmed is as unproductive as doing nothing, and far more unpleasant. Being selective - doing less - is the path of the productive. Focus on the important few, and ...ignore the rest. Lack of time is actually a lack of priorities." From Derek Sivers' website, notes on Tim Ferris' book

Enneagram Twos

2009-10-12T18:17:00.000+11:00

Twos learned two things growing up: to put other people's needs ahead of their own, and that they must give in order to get. Twos feel that if they take care of others, others will take care of them. (The Power of the Enneagram audio tapes)

Poverty in the West

2009-10-09T09:54:00.000+11:00

Love this quote :

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”

-Mother Teresa

Megalong Valley

2009-10-07T17:58:00.001+11:00

The creek where we scattered Phil's ashes ...

Voices: The Carrical Project

2009-09-26T09:59:00.001+10:00

The other night I went to a performance of Voice: The Carrical Project
as part of the Fringe Festival. It's a performance put on by Scotch
College, along with Servants in Hawthorn and supported by the City of
Booroondara. Carrical is a rooming house that is run by Servants in
Hawthorn, which has close connections with Hawthorn West Baptist
Church. The director of Voices has been connected with Hawthorn West
and Carrical for many, many years. This performance came about
through a coffee conversation between the person who ended up
directing Voices and the CEO of Servants in Hawthorn/Carrical. What
came about through that conversation was connection and conversations
between students of Scotch College and a performance telling the
stories of the residents of the rooming house. It was a great and
truthful honouring of their lives - including the life of someone who
recently died - and a project that achieved so much on so many levels.

A great dream becoming a great reality, coming out of the faithfulness
of a community to this work over many years.

Are we willing to give up?

2009-09-25T14:28:00.000+10:00

Our hope for the future lies not so much in what we are able to give, but in what we are willing to give up; not in what we are able to do, but in our willingness to do without.

(Daniel Deffenbaugh, via Waving or Drowning? via Inward/Outward)

2009-09-15T14:14:00.000+10:00

One of the joys of my day ... At Campion in Kew

Loving the Wilderness

2009-09-12T21:54:00.001+10:00

While it's not my current place in my own journey (ie. I don't feel in a wilderness place), I do love and relate to this post about loving the spiritual wilderness.

Others Doing the Promoting for You

2009-09-12T20:57:00.000+10:00

During the week I read this post by Seth Godin.

It made me think about the work that we are doing in our local area. We have more children and families in our drop in space for families everyday than really is comfortable. This comes from really starting this space operating like this in October last year - not long at all.

It was after a long process of presence, prayer and discernment and a commitment to the building and our actions being for the use of the local community.

Regularly, we have people coming in because they have heard about it from someone we don't know.

One my co-workers in all this wrote this in response to reading Seth's post - it is so true and most excellent:
People in the first circle aren't interested in telling others about the thing we are doing, they want to share the place where they, their children and their friends belong.

Thomas Merton Prayer

2009-09-12T20:21:00.000+10:00

In another season of my life this prayer by Thomas Merton was of great importance. At that time I re-wrote it with the specific work God was doing in me at the time. It was interesting and timely to read it this week on this blog. I plan to also start the discipline of praying it daily.

My Lord God
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Are we Objects to be Saved?

2009-09-12T17:26:00.000+10:00

Thanks to Anj for this quote:

When people become objects to be saved, we lose sight that we are all created in the image of God and everybody loses.

Book: Ratio - The Simple Codes Behind the Craft of Everyday Cooking

2009-09-06T15:05:00.001+10:00

An interesting post about a book:

http://cafedave.net/cafedave/archives/2009/09/book-ratio-the-simple-codes-behind-the-craft-of-everyday-cooking/

Thanks Dave - looks very interesting.

A couple of unsung heroes

2009-09-05T15:08:00.001+10:00

A couple of my friends are away this weekend. They are a part of a
group of people who are committed (too soft and too strong a word at
the same time) to a particular local area and network as God allows it
to emerge. We're close but due to a range of factors have only had
passing conversations about many things in recent weeks. I knew
they were away with this "mob" this weekend and had pictured in my
mind 5 - 10 people away for a weekend. A few days ago I realised that
it was 20 people going away - this friend of this person, and this
other person who knows everyone through this; you get the drift. It's
a retreat with sessions of reading the Bible together and such things
- who knows how much some of these people have read the Bible before,
and I have no doubt that with this mob reading the Bible with them,
they'll come away excited about it and seeing it as a natural thing to
do. It'll be a messy, real weekend I'm sure. But one with much love,
fun, care and presence.

What's brought it all about? No question - God! Also no question (as
a subset of that): the "mob" concentrating on what God's up to in them
and trusting God to do his job of building the kingdom; being present
in the miriad of places that they find themselves each day and open to
who and what they find there; being expectant that God is working for
the kingdom and watching for opportunities to join him in it; not
needing "it" to be anything and so letting what will emerge happen;
being real in the mix of the real messiness of life. These are just a
few of the things that I think contributes to the miracle of what it
happening.

I love that I get to journey with these guys and that we get to shape
one another in our journeys as God continues to do his work in and
around us.

Coffee Break Prayer

2009-09-05T11:24:00.002+10:00

Coffee and Barb - not a theme at all!!!

I like the idea of this (http://childrensministerblog.com/?p=32)
- I'd probably change some of the specifics - I wonder what might work
for you?

I love the idea of the time, of using the segments of a coffee break
to prompt different things, of using the "aroma" idea, of the time
slot being a possible thing for most people to do, of the possibility
of doing it alone or with others.

If you use it, do feedback on here how you work with it and how it goes.

Increased Posting

2009-09-05T10:55:00.003+10:00

As you will have noticed, I've posted a few things over the last
couple of days - expect it to continue!

For a long time, I've felt the invitation from within myself, as well
as, I think, an invitation from God to post more. To post more of my
thoughts, to post more links to other blogs I'm reading, to post more
about the things I'm giving my life to. There have been many reasons,
good and not so good, that I haven't followed this invitation - but I
plan to change that now. So expect an increase in blogging - of all
kinds.

I'm in an incredibly rich time. Much is happening in and around me.
Much of this I won't choose to blog directly around - for my own
privacy, the privacy of those around me or the confidential nature of
the issues. The thinking and some of the experiences that these
situations bring about however will of course be discussed. I'm happy
to discuss much of the specifics of the issues with people as is
appropriate in off line or one-one forums - so do feel free to ask
more if you'd like; I just think it's wiser to be careful in the
public context of a blog. If you are closer to the situations in my
life - be careful what you assume I'm talking about, there are so many
things going on around me in my own life and the lives of those I'm
connected to, it would be wise to not draw conclusions - there's your
warning!

That leads to a couple of the reasons that I've hesitated blogging and
some of the reasons I'm now changing that. One of them is exactly the
issue I've just written about - people assuming they know what I'm
writing about (and they may or may not be accurate) or the difficulty
in knowing the appropriate level to blog at. One of my other
hesitations has been around feeling nervous around being public around
my thoughts in a whole range of areas. A whole range of things that
have been bubbling away in me for a long time, along with both some
conversations of this past week, as well as just the "energy" to do
it, has encouraged me to change that. The quote in the previous post
about boldness and humility links in well.

All who are thirsty

2009-09-05T09:34:00.000+10:00

A great post about coming to Jesus with all our thirsts - our healthy ones and not so healthy:

http://godspace.wordpress.com/2009/09/04/thirsting-for-coffee-with-god-a-very-spiritual-practice/

(I write this as I sit drinking my morning coffee - love the irony!)

Loved lots of things about the post but one paragraph I love especially follows from talking of how Jesus doesn't take the disciples away after saying that if you are thirsty come to me. It speaks deeply of many things in my current place. Here is the next paragraph:

"While this frustrates me, it's also true that these open ended statements are part of what makes the Bible live for every generation. Because everything's not spelled out, we need to wrestle with it, pray about it, talk about it, contextualize it, and hold our answers with enough boldness to explain why believe them, and enough humility to discard them when more light shines on our convictions and shows us we need to shift."

Do you love people or things?

2009-09-05T09:19:00.002+10:00

A person who I used to work with and a good co-journeyer reminded me
of this quote the other day - not sure where it comes from:

"There are people who love people and use things and there are people
who love things and use people."
(things can be anything - not just tangible things: might be a dream,
might be money, might be a building, might be an organisation)

I pray to be a person who deeply loves people and uses things of all
kinds.

Post about Confession and Guilt

2009-09-04T20:58:00.002+10:00

a great post about Confession and Guilt:

http://julieclawson.com/2009/09/03/confession-and-guilt/

Precious Moments

2009-07-24T22:34:00.002+10:00

I have had so many precious moments over the last few months, like all moments these are never to be repeated ... and some of them have been shared with someone who I will never share moments with again.

The moments that I had with Phil between 16th May and 9th June were some of the most precious of my life. One of the nurses came into my workplace this week when I wasn't there and spoke with a workmate/friend about how fast it was - certainly was that. I remember distinctly speaking with someone an hour after the phone call and sensing the specialness of what I was doing at that point - and that was before I really knew what the following week and month would bring. It was a special to be trusted at the level I was by someone who didn't trust easily. To have moments of connection around emotions of being scared and of frustration. To walk the journey of coming to terms with illness and death. The sharing the moment of going into an unconscious state for the last time. Words don't come anywhere close to expressing the specialness of all that month was.

Precious, important, special, a gift - those are some of the words that speak of some of those moments with Phil during that month.

Moments - they are all we have - each one special and a gift, every one of them.

Scared

2009-07-22T22:27:00.002+10:00

I had a great night talking with some friends and co-journeyers about some of our dreams. Tonight we were mostly focused on one of the others dreams - she was in the "hot seat", being the person where the most pressure is on for her next steps. It was a precious conversation where we were all being truly ourselves and speaking meaningfully and deeply. We were able to speak truth into my friends dream. Truth that rang true, but truth that was the hardest things we could have said. We spoke about how to be really true to who we are and what we are uniquely made for is the most scariest thing we can do in our lives because it is in fact exactly that - facing and owning who we are at our core. The most freeing thing, yet the thing so many of us avoid so skillfully. Having spoken about that, we also spoke about the reality that if we are not prepared to face ourselves honestly then we are also not able to cope often with others facing themselves honestly. As well as some tangible outcomes for our friend, we came away continuing to be encouraged to live true. We also came away having deeply experienced church.

Thirsty

2009-07-20T22:22:00.001+10:00

It's amazing - sometimes you don't know that you are so desperately thirsty until the thirst is quenched.

Grief

2009-07-04T15:41:00.002+10:00

A little while ago someone semi jokingly commented on the fact that I should write a book about Grief and Loss - I've certainly experienced enough of it in my life. As I sit in an ideal situation, overlooking the ocean with indeed blue sky all around me, I ponder grief.

Today, I am deeply thankful for grief. Grief aligns my priorities. Grief forces me to do the work of deep knowing of self. It forces me to understand myself as truly alone in the world. Grief treats people as that of deep importance. Grief forces deep honesty. Grief is precious - it can't be manufactured - it is what it is.

Grief is also exhausting and alienating. It won't allow your defences to get in it's way. It refuses to give it's gifts without the recipient enduring the pain. It is no respecter of things that need to happen or how the person wants to present. It comes as it wishes, to do its wish.

I am very aware that you either go with grief, or you pay the cost in many, many ways. I'd prefer to go with it. Grief continues to make me the person I am today. As I think through the last 10 years of my life, or even 15 years really, I can name deep grief at many points. The work grief has worked in me, and continues to deeply work in me, I am immensely thankful for.

What are we on about?

2009-07-04T15:14:00.002+10:00

The source of life is God - that is a truth that I know deeply.

Various things recently have had me pondering what is important in the ministry that I engage in. What is the point? For me, there is deep meaning in helping people experience wholeness in life in any way - I want to help the world be a place where people are loved and experience more wholeness in all sorts of ways. The faith expressions that I grew up with were not, in my opinion, focused enough on this - ie. what I would now call creation theology and the call of God to be involved in the work of his kingdom for all people / all of creation. More recently I have been around contexts and theology that has very much been on about this - and I'm thankful for that.

However, for me, this involvement stems from a deep knowledge of the love, embrace and forgiveness of God, from a deep relationship with my creator, redeemer and sustainer. Often I feel that in some of the contexts that I and some of my friends are around, we lose sight of some of the other parts of the spectrum - what does it mean to encourage others into a deeper relationship with the one who brings true wholeness, the one who is indeed the creator, but who is also redeemer and sustainer. I want to encourage myself and those around me to continue to look to this one alone for life - it's only in Him that I believe life in all it's fullness is found, it's only in Him that we have the power to live the life He has invited us into.

Story

2009-06-27T16:40:00.000+10:00

A few things over the last few days have prompted me to think about story. I've been watching the movie "Australia" over the last few days and the phrase "all we really have is our story" hit me. It's so true - and how precious is each of our story. What would it mean for us to live into our story more? Embrace our story more?

Your focus

2009-06-14T14:09:00.001+10:00

Great quote via this blog:

"The more you focus on something -- whether that's math or auto racing or football or God -- the more that becomes your reality, the more it becomes written into the neural connections of your brain."

-Andrew Newburg, neuroscientist

The last minutes and hours of life

2009-06-14T14:00:00.003+10:00

Having spent much time beside the bed of a very unwell person recently and many hours in a couple of hospitals, I've had some time for reflection. I've also had lots of times of really being present in the moment - I'm so glad I am able to be that now.

As I sat with my uncle just hours before he died - between when he was last conscious and when we finally died, I found myself using one of the many resources that are deep within me - it was some words from Julien of Norwich "All is well, all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well". I found myself saying it repeatedly in time with my uncles breathing.

On reflection, I remembered another story of someone with a person close to them in the last minutes before they died - praying the Lord's prayer.

These combined experiences have made me ponder - what is it like at these times without deep spiritual resources of some kind that are beyond the cerebral?

Freshly engaging with the Bible

2009-06-14T11:43:00.002+10:00

As we were organising a funeral for a close family member recently, I had the delight of watching someone engage with the Bible in a way that was fresh, interested and found meaning. As the minister gave her a Bible and opened it to a passage he thought might be a good place to start, she said "no I don't like that" and then looked across the page and noticed another bit and went "what about this, it's so perfect for him; can I start anywhere and finish anywhere; what are these numbers, are they phrases?" It was great watching someone engage and feel like they could find meaning in a book that they obviously have rarely engaged with, at least for themselves.

Everything changes in a second

2009-05-16T02:48:00.000+10:00

A phone call at 11am.
At 9pm board a flight from Melbourne to Darwin.

A full week planned,
Everything is cancelled or covered.

A weekend in Daylesford,
changed to a week (or so) in Darwin.

Things that really matter,
Suddenly are in perspective.

Amazement happens at the thought of preparation,
Of life working together towards this moment.

God is known deeply,
Shock is real.

Aloneness feels good and precious mostly,
with moments of longing for others.

Don't know what moments the days ahead will bring,
But comfort in the preciousness of each moment.

In a second, a conversation, a moment,
life changes.

Testing

2009-05-15T00:59:00.002+10:00

I am testing posting via email.

Quotes from Rohr

2009-05-14T22:27:00.002+10:00

I love these quotes from Richard Rohr:

“Everything circles around what you do with your pain. If you don’t transform it, you’ll transmit it.”

and

“Without an encounter of real transformation, idolatry is inevitable.”

which was on this blog.

More Time?

2009-05-09T21:10:00.002+10:00

I like this post by Seth Goddin.

Why not make that decision rather than waiting - more time will probably only create anxiety not a better decision.

Why should you run something?

2009-02-07T15:40:00.002+11:00

Over the last while, I've been think about the question around how you decide to run a "program", group or event and I have been shifting in my thoughts.

I, and many in the faith community network I'm part of, have come from environments where from good motivations at the core, there has been lots of pressure for people to be involved and run Sunday school, youth group, be on committees etc but where that often means people doing things from a sense of guilt or duty.

Moving away from that (and towards other things), we have considered it much more important for people to do things because they have a need for it (and invite others into that) or to have a passion for it. So if no one feels the energy for something then it doesn't happen. I have been a supporter and promoter of that.

I'm not sure about it anymore - probably more accurately, I am moving from that place. I don't think that is the path of discipleship. I am moving more to thinking what's appropriate to ask the questions of "what is needed in this setting" and "what can I offer / what is God calling me to offer". The key difference in this is the focus on others not the focus on self. I know so deeply that it's in giving our lives that we find our lives (rather than in looking for our own lives) and I think that what we/I have been living in for a while actually is something that is a different path to that. I don't think now that it's the path of discipleship. I certainly don't think it's the path of the cross and resurrection - the path of life.

Thankfully, God works through all sorts of things and I've seen much fruit of the perspective I have had / been leading in but for me it has assumed that the foundations are missional and outward looking and more and more I realise that is an unfair expectation for most people. It's hard to be discovering that you disagree with some key perspectives you and others around you have lived in.

Proximity

2009-01-24T20:10:00.003+11:00

I'm discovering that proximity is an important reality for me. It can be proximity in many ways - geographical, relational, technological, mutual goals, contact; somehow "closeness" is important, whatever the form. As I have thought about some people I've been equally committed to and what has fostered the development of one relationship and our relating and what has hindered another - proximity has been what I've begun to explore as the distinguishing factor. The more the levels of proximity overlap, the greater the room for the growth of friendship, mutuality, the knowingness and being known and presence in each others lives. This means that I share life more with some people in other countries who are also technologically connected than I do with some people who I dearly like to who live in the next suburb. It also seems for me that proximity produces proximity (I am more likely to initiate relating with people who are proximate than the one who is not proximate).

The realisation of this in the last 24 hours has freed me not only in the particular context I was reflecting on but others where the reality of life just does mean we are not in proximity. Doesn't mean I care any less but given what I'm discovering about myself (probably in some degree everyone) it is the reality that governs who and what I am going to give myself to.

It's also helpful to reflect on because it does seem that it means that I'm increasingly focused on the present - which is a marked and very healthy shift for someone who has spent alot of time holding onto the past.

The current moment is all we have and it is precious.

Fairness

2009-01-24T19:56:00.003+11:00

I have been reading lots recently and have been really refreshed and empowered by it. I have recently read a book called "The Social Entrepreneur" by Andrew Mawson. It's a great book. There are lots of things that I have been led to think about and do coming out of reading it but one thing that has really impacted me is his take on fairness. I'm not sure if it's a quote or not but there is certainly a sense that the concept of fairness hinders innovation. Intrinsically many of us value fairness; we have been brought up understanding that it's an ideal principle. But where do we get that from and is it actually what creates the best society or even does it work? As I ponder this, I've been thinking about it in all sorts of contexts: two three yr old friends of mine are regularly heard saying "but that's not fair" (I'm sure you can all imagine that well!); the concept of fairness hinders freedom as I think about who I am in different relationships - if I concentrate on fairness across relationships I actually can't really give myself in a real, mutual and present way to any relationship; as I think about conversations about the future direction of the community space/church building I'm involved in reshaping the concept of fairness can threaten to stiffle forward movement so much so that in wanting to be fair to all we would not really do anything well for anyone; is God 'fair'? increasingly I think not!

Removing 'fairness' as a value allows great freedom and treatment of people much more as people and less as objects, it allows from the heart responses, it allows us to make a difference in the corners of the world where we can, are present in and have passion for which has to be better for everyone in the long term.

Farewell 'fairness'!

Stress

2008-12-30T18:28:00.002+11:00

An interesting experience today. I have been feeling very relaxed - in fact I described to someone today that I'm the most relaxed I have been in years. An email this afternoon about a work thing that is undone (on the list of many things to do) made my stress level go up immediately - wasn't even a tense email ... but a forward of someone else asking for something.

It was interesting to note just how quickly it changed my state and over how small a thing. I'm actually thankful for it as it was something I could observe in a way I often can't ... and i was also able to go "I'm on leave - you don't need to worry about that now". Still I'm struggling to let it go ... and pondering how much of that kind of stress there is in my life on a day to day basis.

But for now - back to leave!

Testing

2008-12-28T15:43:00.001+11:00

Just testing whether I can see posts in NetNewsWire.

We are Adopted

2008-12-27T12:29:00.002+11:00

Recently, for various reasons, I've been thinking a bit about foster care and whether all people around a family with a child who is currently fostered treat that family as a "real" family. A week or so ago, with this in my mind, I was preparing for Christmas and read John 1. To those who believed in the Light he gave the right to be children of God: we are adopted into his family, we are IN his family. How often do we treat ourselves and act is if we are only "half" in God's family. How often do we try and "live in both worlds"? We are adopted - with all the rights and responsibilities that means. A friend and I both had tears in our eyes as we thought afresh about the depth of what that means.

Great post coming from an article by Rowan Williams

2008-12-12T16:42:00.002+11:00

Having just spent significant time deciding whether to stay in the process of Anglican ordination - and deciding to, it is of great encouragement and comfort to read these words spoken by the Archsbishop of Canterbury which echoes something of my sentiments in my last post. He discusses it as bringing true evangelical and catholic together.

Check ti out here.

Caught in the Middle

2008-12-10T01:00:00.003+11:00

So often I feel caught in the middle of lots of things. It's not that I don't have opinions, I do have them - and quite firm ones at that, but often I can see both sides and agree with parts of both sides, so often end up in the middle - the "middle way" as it is often called (the "middle way" is one of the things that defines Anglicanism - seems like I am in the right denomination!).

Tonight a conversation with a staff member after a great group conversation about SPACE once again made me conscious of the way in which I am in the middle. Sparked by some things she said in the group conversation and some other things, we talked through her sense of the only reason to be doing what we are doing is evangelism. For her that means people being converted. I'm conscious of how different that is to what matters to many I'm around, in word and action - and how I am in the middle. What matters to me is that people experience wholeness and for me that wholeness comes in all sorts of forms but only finds it's fulfillment in knowing Jesus and growing in relationship and discipleship of him. Through the conversation tonight my sense that I am wanting more people with a relationship with Jesus, who long for people to know and experience wholeness in it's completeness, to be in SPACE regularly has been reinforced.

And the conversation with the staff member after this group conversation led me to understand some more of why that is difficult for many around me. Not only are we time and energy committed in many (good) places - many of the people around me are not sure where they are in their own relationship with God, are not sure about the uniqueness of Jesus, are not experiencing the transformation that they once believed was the experience they would receive from relationship with Jesus, are not growing in their relationship with God ... and at the bottom of it, their confidence in Jesus is low and therefore, they are not confident in what to share about the life that he offers. Therefore, people come down to being interested in doing good in the world, offering good things to the world.

I am convinced that this in itself, while being good, is just touching the surface of the issue. It's like giving people a drink of life giving water, but not helping them to knowing where to find the life giving water which will never try up. They might have a heap of water (good in their life that they might even be able to share with others) but if they are not in a deep connection with the One who is the creator then life in its fullness is not known and shared. This is what I long for - people to know life in its fullness and to this end the staff members comment tonight is accurate - "what's the point otherwise?"

He is Enough

2008-12-05T14:31:00.002+11:00

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.

Blessed am I who have mourned for I have been comforted.

Through entering into mourning, I have received comfort,

And that comfort is way enough; He is enough.

So can I trust to enter into mourning in other things?

Can I trust that he will hold me? Can I trust that I will be comforted?

It is only in entering into mourning, that I will receive comfort,

And that comfort is way enough; He is enough.

Anger

2008-11-04T22:13:00.002+11:00

Tonight I am angry. I am angry at a number of things - one of them is the way people in all sorts of areas of life keep knowledge to themselves - and teach something they know to not be the only voice. It's not just that people speak what people can understand - it's often that people speak what they know to be much more questioned than they teach. One of the values is some of the children's ministry context I've led within is "Don't teach children things that they will need to unlearn later". I think this is a good principle for life: by all means speak in a language and method that the people you are speaking to can comprehend and apply but don't teach as "the only understanding" things you know to have many more options behind them. All sorts of fields do this - right now my anger is directed towards people who have studied theology and, in particular, Paul's letters and the "New Perspective" on Paul and who continue to teach a Lutheran understanding to the Law and righteousness even though they know that there are many more views and scholarship around.

And by the way - yes I did have an exam today - on Romans! Any guesses what I've been spending much time on over recent days!!!!

Sparkling

2008-10-31T21:31:00.003+11:00

I went out for a dinner with a close friend of mine the other night and decided to try some sparkling white for a change. And I really enjoyed it. Like it seems with too many things, I like it if it's good quality!

Just maybe ...

2008-10-27T18:43:00.002+11:00

My thoughts on Anglicanism and whether I will make it through what is often called the "sausage machine" that is the training of Anglican Ordination candidates goes up and down. As someone who knows a fair amount about where the system is up to here in Melbourne said to me today and someone else also in the know said to me a little while ago: "You are five years too early". Often I wonder if there is room for me and people like me in the Anglican system, and in particular in the ordination and immediately post ordination/curacy system. I often think not. A conversation I had today encouraged me that just maybe I will make it! Time shall tell.

Presencing

2008-10-25T15:00:00.003+11:00

A book I read a number of years ago called "Presence" is becoming a lived experience for me. Amazing experiences of "letting go" and "letting come" are happening as I live my personal life, as I personally engage with issues in my work life and as I work with others on these issues. We have no idea what the future that seeks to emerge will look like ... but we feel that we are starting to understand something about the conversations and moments that need to happen for us to be at a point to be transformed personally and corporately so that we can let the coming future emerge and embrace it.

Here is a diagramatic representation of the process as discussed within "Presence".

Are you who you would love to be?

2008-10-25T14:26:00.002+11:00

For various reasons I have been thinking alot about the gap between who we are and who we'd like to be. Around our faith community, a number of us for many years have loved the expression "mind the gap" and just recently I've had another experience of pondering this and knowing the reality of it in my life. How often do we really want to be able to be and act a particular way but find ourselves incapable of doing that exact thing. My most recent experience of this has interestingly been one of acceptance of this reality in a way that it never has been before - still a longing for more and to be different but not a negative experience, certainly one of peace and acceptance, though not contentment (I don't think I want contentment with it). I think it's only peace and contentment with the reality that then enables honesty about what's going on and the ability to work with reality as it is rather than as you'd want it to be. This experience has also caused me to reflect on experiences of my life where others would dearly love to have been able to choose to be and act differently than what they were capable of - it's certainly continued to grow my compassion and realism about life. It's all been quite interesting at the same time as studying Romans 7 where Paul talks about "finding this law at work, when I want to do good is evil is right there with me" and writing an essay on Romans 8 (18-30) about how everything works for (what I reckon is) our maturity as people who are on about what we were created for. Also interesting at a time where myself and some close friends are having experiences of deep freedom in some areas of our life in ways we are so thankful for ... and can only say that it's the mystery of God's grace that has brought it about. But yet we live in a time and place in history where we have good reason to hope for transformation and live in a way that opens the path for that, but that needs to accept reality as such that we are still on that journey. And the journey is good and rich.

Advent Calendars

2008-10-25T13:56:00.002+11:00

Last year in early November we had a time at one of our faith community gatherings thinking through how families especially might explore Christmas together. It inspired me to do an Advent Calendar for my friends who are twins and who last year at Christmas were almost 2. It was fun and they enjoyed it. I also gave the content to a few others.

This year I have revised that a little, keeping it aimed at preschoolers, and I've written an adults version with the same daily themes so that parents have some prompts for thoughts and actions along the same themes that they are working with their children on. I'm working on giving a "kit" of these to all families who are part of our faith community plus some other important families in my life. It includes things like candles to light each day, a chocolate or other treat appropriate in that family advent calendar, a card for each day with a theme and an activity for that day.

Let me know if you'd like a copy of the parts of this that have soft copies.

(Solace families - you will get one and will be asked soon about your preference about a few things that are in it so that what you receive is appropriate for your family/children ... but still let me know if you'd like a soft copy to be able to give it beyond your family)

Some other things I've come across that some adults might be interested in for Advent reading and action are two books: one by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan called "The First Christmas" and another is "Advent and Christmas: Wisdom for G.K. Chesterton" - by the Center for the Study of C.S. Lewis and Friends.

Limiting Communications

2008-10-25T13:52:00.003+11:00

I'm in another of my reading zones and currently I'm reading "Here Comes Everybody - The Power of Organising without Organisations" by Clay Skirky. I thought this quote from page 42 was interesting and telling: "If you have ever wondered why so much of what workers in large organisations know is shielded from the CEO and vice president, wonder no longer: the idea of limiting communications, so that they flow only from one layer of the hierarchy to the next, was part of the very design of the system at the dawn of managerial culture".

Which thing to write about!

2008-10-23T22:41:00.002+11:00

There is so much going on within and around me that I don't know which of the many things to write about. So much growth, so much thought, so much being. Life is good, God is good, I am satisfied.

Definition of Spirituality

2008-09-21T09:00:00.002+10:00

We were sitting around at our regular coffee catch up time for staff around our network and discussing a range of things regarding spirituality. At one point, one of the people who is fairly disparaging of the word "spirituality" asked us all what we meant by the term. We went around and shared ... it's an interesting question. Most answers were something around "connection with 'the other'". The thing I added to that was that it was about "being" - with ourselves, God ('the other') and each other. I think for me at the moment it's something like "the mystery of deep connection with 'the other' which allows a 'being' with ourselves, God, each other and the world as it is in reality".

As I think about what I said in that conversation and a conversation over dinner last night when someone asked me about the Alexander Technique lessons I've been having all year - I recognise that "being" is the word of the year for me. It's an active "Being" - but it's not "doing" - it's a mystery that is hard to put words to but I know that I'm deeply growing in. It's a different way of living. It's one of being fully present in reality - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It's full of life and possibilies. It recognises limits and even chooses to limit itself further for the sake of growth and life.

Anyway - what's your definition of 'spirituality'? For those of you more "in church circles" - how would you define what the word means to you to someone "not of a Christian faith"?

Solace Dinner

2008-09-21T08:51:00.002+10:00

Last night was a Spring Feast with the faith community network which I'm a part of. It was a lovely night - great food, great atmosphere, even greater people and a really special sense of understanding something deep about the mystery of life together, spoken about a bit but just "known". It was a time of celebrating a number of the dreams of people in our networks who are or have been involved in the journey of something that we reckon delights God. Thanks to another network who have gifted us with some money - this celebration included a gift of money to use in some way towards the dream. We celebrated things at all stages of the dream cycle - including things that have "failed". I love that! What we are wanting to celebrate is people's joining with God in the world - not the "outcome" of that (although we do want to celebrate when we can see the differences in a positive direction to). We recognise that "failure" is inevitable and shapes for the next step in the journey. But in essence it's also people's joining with him in his heart for the world that delights God - so that's also what we want to celebrate. It was a great night of being, celebration and presence, where God was gently but strongly honoured.

Mission - Families and/or Marginalised

2008-09-12T18:45:00.003+10:00

It seems that I am having many conversations at the moment around some decisions we have made in my work/faith community context about our mission focus being families and children (and therefore our buildings being focused on families and children). The issues in the questions are complex - and to be frank, while it's tiring, it's raising the kind of conversations, questions and issues that we ought to be having more frequently!!!

Some of the conversations remind me of the first year or so of our faith community in 2000/2001 when I was doing Forge and also when myself and many peers really were thinking alot around issues of "priority for the poor". Our faith community at the time met in a strongly upper middle class area of Melbourne and I remember numerous supervision conversations around "what does incarnational ministry look like in upper middle class Melbourne"? Should we be doing it? Does God call us to have a priority for the poor? Given where I was in those conversations, I find it ironic (but very like God!) that I'm one of the main advocates that we should be basing our mission focus and therefore buildings on the main growing demographic of our area - families who materially are doing quite well. I've grown strongly in the direction of seeing it as important to "become all things to all people in order that we might save some" , or in my words - doing whatever it takes to connect with a people group in order that they might see the invitation to participate in the kingdom of God and join in on that. And we find ourselves in an area where a main growing demographic are families who are materially doing quite well. Alongside that, those of us who are committed to mission on the ground in a day-to-day way long term have a heart for those people, as well as abilities to connect with them and offer things that are needed for this group. We also find ourselves having a sense that this is the group who God has invited us to focus our efforts towards as we seek to be his followers in this place at this time.

Those of us doing this process have thought long and hard about this and wrestled with it, praying and fasting and spending much time thinking and discussing it. Not only is the question the general "priority for the poor" question but also currently our building is a space that much of the week a handful of local very marginalised people spend alot of time and where we are heading this will not be possible. There is another faith community that does a great job connecting with those marginalised people but they do it in a more "program" way rather than the "open space" way we have been doing. However, in reality it is 6 or so people and all of us who work on the ground regularly see clearly that these people cannot be in a space that families are going to be safe in without much supervision (and that's if the families are comfortable being around them - which certainly several local families have strongly indicated they are not).

So it's a bit of a predicament really and we have felt called to move ahead strongly with the single focus on the site we are talking about but haven't felt free to leave aside the question of how we continue relationship with those we currently have connection with and also I haven't felt free to assume that what we are currently doing will definately conclude (though thinking it will on the current site we are talking about).

Several of the wider community around these decisions (people from the faith communities who gather in the space) are currently questioning this focus. Some of it is from their personal perspective: where do I fit in this? I like the wide range of people currently at gatherings - will that continue if the site and building are focused on families and children? Absolutely fair enough questions. Another range of questions centre around: difference is a key of the gospel and also a key of our community, this goes against that. Yet another range of questions centre around: how can we not be focusing on the marginaised, especially how can we be creating a space where at least much of the time they would not be welcome, especially as a people of faith how can we do that. An extension of those questions centre around our responsibilities to those we currently have relationship with and who currently find themselves "at home" in the space we are discussing.
Great questions - I love that they are being asked and discussed and not easily left.

It's also an interesting journey for me personally - I find myself owning that I am more gifted than most in my abilities to minister with the marginalised, I find my passion for ministry with families and children coming to the fore once again, I find myself more strongly than ever believing in incarnational ministry - thinking that it's important to "become like" the people we are seeking to connect with, I find myself facing the realities of time, space, money and energy more than ever, I understand more than ever the need to make hard decisions, I find myself thinking it's important for us to stay in the struggle of what we think theologically, what the missiological needs and questions are and what we feel God's saying - and what it means to help others stay in the struggle.

And while spending hours thinking, discussing, praying and writing about those issues, I have been planning the next stage of the space becoming a "Family Wellbeing Centre" which starts on 1st October and planning timelines and project plans into next year.

And while doing that, doing the many things that our current and future ministry in this area requires. One of the things I love about things currently is the excitement that some staff have around what we are doing and being part of the vision - it's great to have such people working for us (I did semi hunt them down as people with the missiological ethos we need in the space at this time!!!!) I also love the stories daily of connections we have with people of all kinds, in the space and in the suburb; I love being part of the rhythms and relationships of this local community.

Great excitement and focus in the midst of struggle and questioning, that would be the title of my week!

Satisfied

2008-08-31T22:45:00.002+10:00

It's been a long day but I'm deeply satisfied. It's been a day of much life and one which I've loved with every part of me. All the same, I will be glad to get into bed tonight. (Right now I'm across at my lovely friend's across the road whose computer I am using to connect to the internet!)

This morning I led Solace Sunday stuff think through the connection between Thin Places, Open Hearts and Spiritual Practices. What? you may ask! It's teaching prompted by Marcus Borg's book "The Heart of Christianity" which numerous parts of the Solace network are exploring at the moment. He draws on the Celtic tradition to speak about "Thin Places" - the times when this reality is "permeated" by experiencing "the more", God and the things of the transcendant. So I led us in thinking about the Thin Places in our lives, what it means to have open hearts and a little on spiritual practices. I then spoke on how they interconnect. I'm conscious that this relationship is deep, mysterious and complex - that's what I read in others experience and also is true in mine. As I live in practices I find I experience Thin Places and I find my heart opened. Likewise, as I open my heart I find myself experiencing Thin Places and find myself wanting to engage in spiritual practices. I also find myself engaging in practices, which opens my heart and that leads me to experience Thin Places.

I then felt strongly led to catch up with a friend who had texted during the morning - a great time which I sense was quite profound.

Tonight at our 5pm service I led us in a time looking at Ecclesiastes. I've been thinking and encouraging us to think about the phrase "everything is meaningless", "vanity of vanities" as being about temporariness and in particular the concept of "everything being unable to be able to fully be grasped" or "everything is puzzling" which in my understanding is closer to the Hebrew word that it is a translation of.
I then had a profound "Thin Place" experience as I had communion - a time of experiencing the one who is unable to be grasped who I love dearly and deeply and in a way that I can't even begin to grasp my love of! His invitation tonight was to allow myself to enter into not grasping life at a deeper level - and tonight I did that and experienced a profound sense of being caught up in the largeness of life, all that is. It's an experience beyond words.

Time for bed - knowing that life is good, God is good, while life and God are both beyond graspability!
(and time to let my friend go to bed too!!!)

Robbed

2008-08-27T17:38:00.002+10:00

I'm housesitting at the moment and a couple of days ago the house was broken into. I came home and my laptop was gone, my old phone and various things of the owners. It was clearly someone on foot so small things. I've never been broken into before - it's a wierd feeling.

How do I feel? Violated, invaded, on edge. Interesting ...

Isaiah 30:15

2008-08-20T17:50:00.001+10:00

In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength.

What was that???

2008-07-27T04:53:00.002+10:00

I'm asleep and wake with what I initially thought was a noise off the street - was it? I don't know. I'm deeply asleep and wake with what sounds like a trumpet or sax playing a stanza. After initial vague thoughts not very complementary to whoever was making the noise at this time of morning I roll over and look at the time - it 3.43am. It's at that point I realised the day that it was and the significance of this early hour on this day. It's 4 years today since Paul died. And it would have been at around that time.

Over the last couple of days as I've been conscious of the date approaching I have been conscious of my age. I didn't have the details in my head of exactly how old Paul was when he died - but discovered yesterday - he was 32. So this is the first year at the anniversary that I am older than he was when he died - that's hitting me this year.

Paul - I remember your life and death today ... thankful for who you were and thankful that now you are known and know fully.

Others for whom this day is significant - I'm conscious of you on this day and pray for space and ability for it to be what it needs to be on this day 4 years on.

Grateful

2008-07-12T10:32:00.002+10:00

Grateful - that was the word that came to the fore out of the mixture of emotions that were around yesterday. Grateful for lots of things. Grateful for the kind of support that has been around me - while there are times when the people I would have hoped for support from haven't been that, I recognise that the support I do have is of an amazing quality; there have been excellent people on this journey. Grateful that Mum died when she did. I can't imagine how mum would have aged without killing herself with anxiety and worry (umm ... and maybe she did anyway!). But the grateful part of me is grateful that she didn't need to go through more of that and I'm also thankful for myself and others around her that we didn't have to cope with that especially in the possibility of it being mixed with increasing dementia. And especially grateful for who I have continued to become through it all.

Grateful - it's a good place.

Grief

2008-07-09T21:53:00.002+10:00

Friday is the Yahrzeit of Mum's death ie. in Jewish terms the anniversary of someone's death. It's a little tricky to know which is the "real" date as we know mum died on the 11th July but we found her on the 17th July. For me the most significant date is the 11th.

This week is surprising me somewhat. I wasn't expecting it to be easy ... but it's different to what I was expecting ... even though as I think about it what I'm experiencing is probably in the very normal zone. I was expecting Friday, and the lead up, to be hard. But I think I was expecting a very specific kind of hardness, I guess a bit more specific and almost explosive, momentary. What I'm experiencing though can best be described as dullness. It's greyness at it's most grey. It's close to tears but not really being there. It's dull and constant! It's also familiar - with a different edge to it and with less ability to observe it as well as experience it, much of last year I lived in this place. But in a sense it's shocking me.

In the midst of that dullness I'm also very good - life is good and it's very good to be into things after being away.

Back to Melbourne Life

2008-07-06T23:51:00.002+10:00

My holiday has been good. The first half of the first week I spent in Melbourne - a lot of low key work physically sorting out stuff and purchasing stuff for a working bee for church. You might say - how was this a holiday! It was most definately - re-creational. I did it in a relaxed attitude and did some physical, satisfying, creative, order creating work; definately re-creational! Then I went to Sydney and had a relaxing week or so with good friends in a place that is highly relaxing for me to stay in (a second home). Then a trip around places of import in my family - all 4 of my parents graves, places my parents used to live, places I used to live, cups of tea with people who knew me as a baby, more tea with people who grew up with mum and also her cousin ... and finding my great great grandmothers grave and my great grandfathers grave. Exhausting stuff but once in a lifetime stuff. (I'll write more about that over coming days) Then several wineries - and lots of wine tasted and purchased.

Now I'm back in Melbourne and mostly back (although a little family history consumed). I'm excited to be back - already some great stuff has happened and I'm excited about the coming months. For this week - a retreat day by myself tmw, in SPACE on Tuesday and various meetings and work to do on Wednesday and Thursday. On Tuesday I also start a small business course which I'm excited about.

Sad by Reality - and deeply moved ...

2008-07-06T23:27:00.003+10:00

One of the things I did while I was in Sydney was go to the church that I was part of as a teenager. It was a church that shaped me deeply and there is no way I'd be where I am today if it wasn't for the embrace, teaching, example, passion for godliness and mission and much more which was given to me in the midst of this community of God's people. And in so many ways this continues to be true. Some of my closest friends are people who were part of this community and many people who are still part of this community I deeply respect. It's lovely to be embraced in a community which you haven't been part of for 15 years. Several of the people who were part of this community with me are now elsewhere around Australia and the world and several who are still part of this church I am in contact with in other ways. Probably some of the key readers of this blog fit into one of those categories. And those relationships are really important to me - but separate to going to church when I'm in Sydney (even though this time I had really important conversations with both the people of one such couple at church after the service!) And many of the people who I have no other contact with other than Sunday at church when I visit are also important to me. However, I think I may well have just visited this church for the last time as my standard thing to do in a visit to Sydney. Part of it is that life has moved a long way, it's been a long time. But most of it is the fact that I am in the process of being an ordination candidate in the Anglican Church. You see this is a Sydney Presbyterian Church. There are many awkward moments when I say what I do for work and it gets even more uncomfortable when I say I'm almost finished a Master of Divinity and then neither of us knows quite how to deal with the next thing - that I'm an ordination candidate for priesthood. Several of the people who matter to me from my Sydney world also personally do not agree in theory with with women being ordained in such roles and in various ways we've needed to work out what it means to journey together in grace and a sense of unity with deep differences which involve much of what I'm embracing in life - to enable important current friendships to continue we have needed to work out what it means to live with these differences, being true to ourselves; I feel in a good place with most of these people around that. However, the people I see after church and not at other times are plain awkward and it feels unnecessary so. Why do I need to make them uncomfortable? Why do I need to put something in front of myself that I don't need to? We don't have the context, relationship or need really to discuss it properly but it doesn't seem to do anything good for anyone. And it will just get worse as I'm ordained. So not based on anything about the gathering itself (in fact I enjoyed much of the service last Sunday) I think I may well have just attended my last non "special event" service at the church of my teenage years. I'm sad by the reality of that but as I wrote this became deeply moved by where the friends who have other views and I are at. While I say sad by the reality - there's also a sense in which it's just deep freedom to be who I am and to allow them to be who they are and to know that the best way to do that is to avoid the unnecessary discomfort.

Deeply Satisfied

2008-07-06T23:01:00.003+10:00

I'm sitting at home after a good friend has left at the end of my first day back at work after 2 weeks of leave. My current fav music is Enya which is on and my current fav hot drink as Oriental Tea House's Tropical Dream which I have in one of fav mugs. I've just had a deeply sole enriching time with a very good friend who journeys deeply with me and me likewise with him. The journey is a privilege and deeply life enriching.

One of things that we were talking about is what a picture of a "safe place" is for us (prompted by a book I've been reading about trauma treatment and the need to help people find a "safe place" in themselves to go to when they are going beyond what they are well able to handle as they are facing the trauma in their lives). One such picture for me is a lovely night I had in Sydney during my holiday with two of the readers of this blog. In a sense there was nothing special about this night. At another level it was literally heaven on earth. It was a night with two of the people who have journeyed much life with me and who accept me deeply for who I am and I likewise (and have for almost 20 years). None of us now live in Sydney so it was a night that was special because we certainly can't do it every week - one lives in Canada, one in country NSW, and I'm in Melbourne. We're also at somewhat different life stages so it was a gift that on many occasions would have been more difficult to have happen - and so we were especially thankful for one of our mum's who looked after another one of our toddlers. There was gift from people other than us for this night to be what it was - of this we were deeply grateful. So that's the setting for this night.

The night itself was at a restaurant which I really wanted to go to and hadn't been to for years in Darling Harbour. The environment and food was great (for me, garlic snails, kangaroo and creme caramel with a glass of pinot from NZ). We wandered through Darling Harbour and around to King St Wharf and found a place we liked (recognising thoroughly our age by the places we were avoiding!!!) for a cocktail. Now the environment, the food and the alcohol were all great - but the specialest thing about this night was gentle presence with good long term, life-giving people. You can't trade that for the world.

And I realise that even a night a year ago with these same people, in the same setting, with the same circumstances wouldn't have been as close to "heaven on earth" as this night was for me because of the difference in me! I was able to deeply enter into this night in a way I have never been able to before. There is deep freedom in me to be present and enter in and enjoy - I can't say how delightful it is.

So deep thanks to God who was and is and will be present, bringing life of all kinds into being. And deep thanks to special friends who journey life together - be it over distance much of the time.

Shaped for Mission

2008-06-06T19:43:00.002+10:00

Recently I've been thinking about how I've been shaped so strongly with the agenda of mission being the natural assumption of my environment. It's amazing how the air you breath is so strongly something that you take it for granted - and that's how it is with me and mission. There are lots of ways in which that is true but recently I've been especially aware of how it was true in my teenage years - and for various reasons I think true for me more than even others who were around the same environments as I was. It makes me see just how clearly God has shaped me into the person I am today. I'm particularly thankful to the young adults and some other adults who were around me when I was a teenager for the way they have shaped a heart for mission into the very core of my being. (well it was God who has - but very much helped by them) People who had a heart for mission, local and overseas, were around me in every direction; I had the opportunity to be involved in running an outreach youth group when I was 16; I was around and involved in the running of a 4 week outreach thing when I was about 15; I ran various mission things at school during high school; I hung around with people who breathed mission with every fiber of their being; I got prayer letters from someone working as a boarding house teacher at a school and those letters and her life shaped me in my mission heart profoundly. Today, my definition of mission might be broader but this is a key part of when and how my heart for mission was fostered - for which I'm hugely thankful.

Well it Seems

2008-05-24T19:58:00.003+10:00

I just found the song that God used to invite me to a deeper commitment to himself when I was 13. One Friday or Sunday night sitting in a building that no longer exists in Hurstville, Sydney in 1989 we sang this song and, along with many other things God was doing in my life at the time, it called me to in deeper way than ever before "give my life to him and him alone". I don't know who it's by - if any of you St Gile's readers know - I'd love to know who actually wrote it.

Well It Seems

Chorus:

Well it seems like there are just so many things

That can take my heart away from you oh Lord.

Oh please, please help me Lord to see the emptiness they bring,

And by your grace I'll serve you always,

You are my King.

Verse 1:

I'm bound up in a course of education

The pressures on to study and succeed

I'm seeking a career, some money and my self-esteem

Am I really doing this for you or me?

Verse 2:

Some friends I have do things that do not please you,

And it's sometimes hard to differ from the crowd

Relationships are fine, but only under your control

Am I showing all my friends how great you are?

Verse 3:

When I think of all you left behind to save me,

Your Father's glory and your heavenly home

The sacrifice you made for me is just beyond compare

I give my life to you and you alone.

Psychological shaming

2008-05-24T15:15:00.002+10:00

Just having a lovely coffee reading todays paper. Leunig's article today had a quote I just had to share: "Psychological shaming has displaced moral shaming" - I reckon that's so true.

It's led me to thinking about what impact does this have on our "Centred set theology" (ie. being an inclusive community centred around Jesus). I wonder whether we have replaced moral fences with psychological fences in the name of "health". Mmm ... pondering, any thoughts?

It's about the kingdom

2008-05-23T22:14:00.003+10:00

I'm in one of those spots where I'm more convinced then ever that life, true life, is about God's agenda for the world and not my own. More than ever I know that means me needing to be prepared to put aside the various things that are important to me that are out of step with God's heart for the world. These include big life decisions through to minute by minute decisions ... it involves painful decisions to choose for true life above short term, feel good life. I know deeply that it's so worth it but yet despite that I continue in many ways and at many times to choose the path that leads to death rather than life. However, God, in his grace, continues to call me back into embracing the life that he offers, and as I do that I have more of a hunger to join in with his heart for the world. I pray that in the smaller and bigger decisions of life I, and you, would choose for the things that really matter above what seems to be the thing we want right now.

Two places yummy places to eat

2008-05-23T21:47:00.002+10:00

In the last couple of weeks I've eaten at some great places - as well as the Oriental Tea house yesterday, a few weekends ago in Daylesford I went out for dinner with my housemate and we went to a pub that had been recommended to us: The Farmers Arms, it was truly amazing.

Then last weekend I took my dad to Soul Mama which I love.

To what end?

2008-05-23T21:35:00.002+10:00

For years I've been thinking about the fact that if you pursue something, you are likely to not get it. For example, pursuing community as an end in itself seems to kill community rather than produce it. On the other hand, getting on with doing good in the world together, tends to produce good community as a by-product. I was reminded of this yesterday as I was talking about the way in which I am a boss to staff (which I think I do well, and staff tend to say the same ... well mostly, I've had one staff member in my time not like my style and I now understand alot of why). Anyway, as we talked yesterday, I realised that while I love lots of what I do as a boss, I think I am too far up the end of "caring for the staff member" and not enough up the end of "focusing together on the world we are serving". It was the by-product of this that hit me yesterday in a way I've never thought as strongly as yesterday: if I concentrate on caring so deeply for them above focusing on the outward focusing that we are wanting to do, what am I modelling and encouraging others in. Not surprising for someone with a prophetic/pastoral gifting to find this balence a bit of a difficult one - but I think I had some new insight into it yesterday.

Oriental Tea House

2008-05-23T21:28:00.002+10:00

Yesterday my boss/colleague and I spent the day discussing some things to do with the role I am FINALLY completely into (yay! what a relief). She took me for lunch to a place she'd recently been to and thought "this is Barb - I must bring her here" - it was great - the Oriental Tea House.

Pregnant

2008-05-23T21:26:00.001+10:00

Lots of my friends are pregnant at the moment - I'm enjoying walking the journey with them. I've realised in the last few days one is due each month July - Sept.

What are you passionate about?

2008-05-19T17:48:00.002+10:00

Today was theological reflection. It sounds a bit unheard of it seems but I love theological reflection - it's one of the highlights of my week. How excellent is it to have to meet together with a group of other people to think through what various theological resources say about situations in all of our lives and pastoral situations. And again it seems a bit unheard of but I do like our group. Often people struggle in theological reflection because of people from various perspectives and colleges are in the groups - I'm loving it, certainly helped along by someone who leads that well and also the fact that my own theological perspective is embracing of people in different places. The main way we think through issues is thinking through our first response to the situation and then thinking through the issue from the perspective of various theological resources: scripture, tradition, reason and experience. It's a helpful framework that I really like.

So today one of the things we thought about through a situation in someone's life was what is the place of passion in ordained ministry ... great question and great time of quiet prayer for me afterwards too.

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T23:51:00.003+10:00

So yesterday was Mother's Day. It hit me fairly hard - harder than I expected. Really not surprising but hard and I didn't predict it. So not surprising since my primary grief has been around the person who was my mother not being in the world (umbilical cord breaking etc etc).

However, in many ways at least on surface that's not what hit me most. What hit me most was spending the whole weekend with my community of faith and not one person mentioning it or acknowledging it. In stark contrast I had a phone call from someone I used to work with (who has been lovely through it all) while I was at our final time of our weekend away at 1.30pm yesterday - just ringing to see how I was doing. It was lovely but did mean the contrast was in my face. I had a few messages indicating it through the day - that was lovely.

But no-one I spent the weekend with acknowledged it. Now it did lead to me leaving the bbq and going to a private spot and having a moment with God in tears and felt met amazingly - it was good. But that doesn't take away the pain of no acknowledgement by people in my day to day local faith community (there was acknowledgement from my wider/potentially closer in many ways faith community - non Solace people).

The lovely thing is that I haven't for a moment questioned anyone's care - there is no question in me that people care. What I'm sad and hurt by is the lack of expression of that care yesterday. And more than that it's made me ask questions about how we foster that kind of care in faith communities. And what stops it from being expressed. For us as Solace I think the biggest thing is just how stretched we are with our own lives and have very little room for things beyond that - particularly things that take brain or emotional space; we are poor in those areas, as well as time. I think another is lack of knowledge of whether it's best to ask or not - I've certainly come to the conclusion that acknowledgement is better than non acknowledgement. It is possible that some people thought of it but didn't know whether to say something or not. Another question for me is whether people are less likely to ask about or acknowledge such things because I'm a leader in the community - as I've thought about it, I've decided that to whatever extent that is true, it's neutralised by the fact that more people know more and have closer relationships because I'm a leader. Yet another thing I'm conscious of is the good old someone else will do it. (thankfully they did - just not anyone there over the weekend and on the day not anyone connected with Solace) Another issue I'm conscious of is the fact that I am quite good at these things so therefore expect more of others.

But past the sadness and hurt, my main question is what does it mean to foster care and thoughtfulness in the midst of faith community? As I talked it over with someone tonight I was conscious of the need for prompts for people to put things forward in some way because people just aren't going to know/remember things well given our lives - we will probably act on that in some way at 5pm ... in fact the conversation produced a great suggestion about a prayer box/board that local people can request prayer for stuff. I'm loving where the conversation and thoughts are taking me and the few who I've talked to. That is the main reason for this post.

(Solace people who are reading this - I hesitated before writing this but wanted to share the journey. I am sad and hurt by the weekend/Sunday's experience in this regard - although in general had a great weekend including some things on Sunday. Please do hear my statement above about having no question of care - that's a HUGE affirmation of who we are and the care I know you have for me. But the question I'd have for us, myself so included, is how to mimimise the times when this kind of hurt and disappointment occurs - and I'm wanting to be more proactive than ever about that given my experience on the weekend. Please do speak to me about it as the last thing I want to help along is guilt over this situation - although I am most happy to prompt each of us to question what we can do within our resources and how we facilitate being able to be people we want to be)

Yesterday

2008-04-29T06:37:00.002+10:00

Words I used to describe yesterday - like a bubble of a completely surrounding grey cloud, knowing that on the other side of the grey cloud the world is bursting with life and energy, but that I am in the grey cloud and for the moment I can't escape. It wasn't a feeling of lack of hope (like a feeling of being trapped there for ever) but it was a feeling of "this is where I am right now, and it is claustrophobic and dark and numb and right now I can't get out of it".

Mixed Emotions

2008-04-28T06:13:00.002+10:00

Today mum would have been 65.

Everyone says first birthdays and first anniversaries following deaths are the hardest - I know that well. But, of course, once again I learn that all that I know about death and grief is at least very different to my experience of the death of my mother. Those feelings of intense grief and "blurriness" are back this morning. As I think through my last week, I discover that my reactions to people and my ability to relate well shows strong signs of grief. And I try and be gentle on myself - it IS the day of my mother's birthday.

I think about last year. I organised to have mum over for dinner - with dad and a close friend who my parents know well who was staying with me at the time. The day before mum cancelled coming. Dad, Sonja and I still had dinner. I don't know how many times Dad and I have had dinner together when we were meant to be having dinner with mum as well. A good decision many years ago now means that we have gone ahead with things even if mum chose not to come, even when it's her birthday dinner! So Dad and I went out on Saturday night this year - not actually in memory of mum's birthday, actually in celebration of him purchasing a house ... but it did feel a bit interesting - we are out together for dinner 2 days before mum's birthday, without mum and rather than being strange, it is unfortunately quite normal.

I think today the thing I am saddest by is the lack of ability mum had to be able to enjoy things like her birthdays while she was here. Her anxiety around events was so great that she sabotaged the potential of them being good by making such issues around them that any potential for them to be free and easy is gone. So unfortunately mum's birthday without spending it with her is surprisingly normal. A sadness for me today as I think about this is the tendency I have towards similar behaviour - mostly not as extreme as mum's but still in that direction. I long for change in that.

Another thought this morning as I thought about what I'm feeling is a statement that was made to me on the day of mum's death - you are so lucky. mmm ... someone who was with me heard it more than I did. Not the words to say to someone whose mum has just died - but said by someone in intense grief themselves. However, those sentiments reiterated by the same person a few days ago hit me more. Indeed, there are consequences of mum's death that indeed find me in a fortunate position - one which few people of my age and stage of life find themselves in. Some of that is because of mum's death - some because of the consequences of timing decisions that mean that things were in the state that they were at the time of her death. I am grateful and feel immensely blessed and freed by the financial impact of mum's death. I am amazed by that in more ways than I would want to talk about publicly. But the circumstances that lead to me being in this situation do not leave me thinking the words "you are so lucky" are the appropriate words.

Thinking Self and Observing Self

2008-04-25T09:45:00.003+10:00

The book I'm reading makes a distinction between the thinking self and the observing self. I find it quite a good distinction - the thinking self is all the thoughts, feelings, urges and sensations we have about life - all our judgements and thoughts fit are part of that self. The observing self, however, is the part of us that observes what is happening and monitors and notices. Our thinking self is just that - thinking - not good or bad, and certainly not the controller of what is. Most of the time thought we act, I certainly act, as if it is. I think this, therefore it is. I feel this, therefore I need to pay attention to that. Not necessary untrue, but not necessarily helpful either. And that's the key question of this book - does this thing the thinking self is telling us (thought, feeling, urge, sensation) help us live in the direction of our values? If yes - let it propel us in that direction. If no, don't try and struggle with it, do things to "let it be" and keep living in the direction of our values. This is profoundly different as well to much previous work I've done around psych stuff - rather than trying to change our unhelpful thoughts and feelings, we are encouraged to let them be and make space for them, but not let them dictate what we do. There is place for lots of these different perspectives - but this is certainly the time and place for the ACT perspective that I'm exploring for me ... It's amazing how it's transforming my thinking and my life. It gives me shivers regularly - and aligns so well with so much of my theology.

This morning I thought of another thing it changes for me. With friends, colleagues and people who I am walking alongside in life, I often say "what are you thinking" as I can tell they are processing something. This perspective puts new light on that - if I'm encouraging myself to not pay as much attention to every thought/feeling that comes into my brain (notice, make space for it, but not let fuse with it), how do I use that to influence how I relate and work with others? I suspect that sometimes that will mean continuing to ask the question (making space for it) and sometimes not (not helping the person/us be fused with their unhelpful thoughts). It'll be interesting to observe this and learn as I practice it.

Another helpful analogy with all this stuff that has been helpful for me is that our brains are like all the emails that are sent to us - without any filters. As we get more filters on our emails we can trust more what goes into our junk mail and we might scan it quickly but we don't pay much attention to it - but those emails still come in, its just we don't get consumed by them. That's been helpful for me.

If you can't tell - I'm excited by it all.

Negativity

2008-04-21T21:52:00.002+10:00

So a new challenge that feels like a real invitation to life: to rid my life of negativity.

Not to rid my life of speaking the truth when that is a statement that might be negative. But to rid my life of an attitude of negativity.

That includes conversations and thoughts, words I speak, conversations I encourage by my interest, attention I give to my thoughts and many other things.

Right now I'm in the process of noticing the extent to which negativity is present in my life. It feels harsh and painful but gentle, good and full of peace. It has all the hallmarks of the spirit of truth at work.

Great quote

2008-04-21T08:19:00.002+10:00

A great quote that Anj has on her blog today:

"Regardless of how a compulsion appears externally, underneath it is always robbing us of our freedom. We act not because we have chosen to, but because we have to. We cling to things, people, beliefs, and behaviors not because we love them, but because we are terrified of losing them.

The Dark Night of the Soul - Gerald G. May

ACT therapy

2008-04-19T22:11:00.002+10:00

I've been learning about ACT therapy and loving what I'm discovering and what I'm starting to action in my life. The popular book on this called The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is well worth a read and is quite readable.

Footwashing

2008-04-19T21:58:00.002+10:00

I'm in the process of an essay on John 13:5-15. It's the footwashing passage in John - only recorded in John, the book the doesn't include the institution of the Lord's supper. I'm enjoying immensely although my brain is getting fried! It's a greek exegesis essay so I'm needing to wrestle with questions around the specifics of the text - what does this word mean, what is the emphasis and should it actual be there at all anyway.

But some of the questions I've been pondering are why we celebrate communion but we don't have footwashing as a ritual. I think I've got some answers around that question.

Another question raised by many scholars is whether there is a reference to baptism in the passage - I don't think there is.

However, one of the things that's hit me deeply has been Jesus' reaction to Simon Peter - in this passage and at other times (we looked at John 21 last week at church). Jesus' firmness and his grace has hit me again - in his reaction to Simon Peter and to me.

Farewell to Box Hill forever

2008-04-19T21:51:00.002+10:00

Tonight I went out to Box Hill - the place that we have owned for 21 years of my 32 years of life. Currently too it is representative of all our family homes - so it is farewell to the place that we have owned, where I have lived, to family homes in general and to mum's home. It was great to "be" in the house - to sit, draw, walk around, reflect and pray. A friend's song came to mind - she wrote about going back to the family home also before it was sold; she wrote about how "she was formed here" and how "my family grew into me, I grew into them". That was so real for me tonight - the ways in which my family grew into me in good and bad ways. But more than ever there was an acceptance of it all and an ability to let it be and move on, knowing that it is, in a sense, forever mine.

Settlement is in a couple of weeks.

So much to blog

2008-04-19T21:46:00.002+10:00

There are so many things that I could blog - and the specific thoughts I might try and blog separately - this will be a more general post.

Life has been full and right now life is very very good. I feel more content and settled than I think I pretty much ever have. Life is good and I am good.

It hasn't been that the whole of the last month - in fact quite the opposite. I got very much to the end of my tether about 2 weeks ago which has encouraged a deep considered look at my life with deep considered decisions and 2 weeks later life is very different.

I am very conscious of the amazingness of the many great people in my life - of all kinds. I'm particularly thankful right now for many people who I have deep friendships with.

More than that though I'm very thankful for the deep connection I have with the creator and life-source of the universe - I seriously have no idea how I'd do life without that.

Yourself or your real self?

2008-04-06T19:40:00.001+10:00

'Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Look for yourself and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in’.

CS Lewis

Thanks Hamo for the quote :)

Alone

2008-03-26T22:52:00.002+11:00

I've been feeling my aloneness quite profoundly over these days/week. It's not loneliness - there are lots of ace people in my life. But as always, a holiday season has prompted in me a profound sense that I am at base alone i the world. At some levels it's a sense that is deepened by Mum's death but really it's been like this for a long time ... some of it is just that my family is REALLY small. And now it's just dad and me in our nuclear family and even in my next level out extended family just 4 people ... and we are spread over the country and dad is not in Melbourne during most holiday seasons. So aloneness at a deep level.

It's been good to cry out to God in the midst of that and to know his presence but for it not to take the realness of the aloneness away - and that is good, as much as I just wanted it taken away, I know that life only comes through facing truth and facing the death that truth speaks .. it's only then that new life will somehow, sometime emerge.

One of the things I wrestle with in all that is what does it mean to not indulge myself in these feelings but also to not allow busyness or anything else to cover over them ... I think I'm learning more about that balence than I ever have before. A friend had a spiritual director who met her for the first time the other day ask her if her depression was an indulgence - the words made her ponder, and they have made me ponder too.

I'm in a hard spot but in that feel I am doing well ... though it is agony.

Control or Resurrection life

2008-03-23T13:33:00.004+11:00

I want to control
But that's what Good Friday is about
- the world (the darkness in the world) having the final say,
those who want to maintain control putting Jesus to death.

But the Resurrection shatters our illusions of control,
Shatters our illusions that we can control God,
that we can control the force of life in the world.

Even when we tried, and try, to control him and his force of life,
He shatters those illusions ...
and comes and walks alongside
inviting us into his path of life.

But we need to let go of control,
for the heart that wants to control,
will refuse to see the truth of the resurrection,
will refuse to acknowledge who it is alongside.

But for those who choose to embrace truth,
who allow God to be God,
they, we, are invited into life with the one who surprises us,
who walks alongside,
and invites us into his resurrrection life.

Holy Saturday Reflection

2008-03-22T14:15:00.000+11:00

(Written to be read after reading Luke 23:50-56)

Emptiness
Grief
Guilt
Confusion
Shock
Pain

He died yesterday.
They prepared the spices for his body,
No doubt in the midst of all sorts of questions and feelings.
But the ability to do something was good.

Now they are constrained by the Sabbath.
Or maybe more accurately – maybe they are freed by the Sabbath.
Constrained in what they do.
Freed to feel what they feel,
To truly experience,
The emptiness, grief, guilt, confusion, shock and pain.

I imagine it was a bit like the emptiness of the funeral night in our society,
That time where all the busy-ness has been done and there is no more to do,
Where the tiredness can come crashing in,
Where we are frightingly alone with all that we feel.

And alone with our thoughts and feelings,
Some things become clearer – there are stunning moments of clarity,
But much is blurred by the many emotions that we feel,
And we wonder why,
wonder if we could have done anything to prevent it,
Wonder if we missed the hints,
Wonder if we were mistaken in loving,
Pretend that it doesn’t matter,
And at the bottom of all that,
When the raging somehow quietly stills,
Emptiness alone.

So on that Sabbath,
The one after Jesus died,
I imagine his followers had so many feelings that raged around.
I imagine that they had moments of clarity in the midst of the storm,
Times of piecing together Jesus’ words,
running through every interaction, picking up his hints about dying,
even in those moments of clarity,
still not understanding all that he said,
not understanding all that is to come.

But mostly I imagine they feel empty,
I imagine they feel alone,
I imagine they wonder what life is now that Jesus has gone,
I imagine they wonder if they were stupid to give their love and devotion to this one who is now no more.
I imagine they wonder if they could have stopped it.
I imagine they try just to do what they normally would have on the Sabbath before this all began.
I imagine they wonder if they could do anything to change it.
I imagine that questions and accusations abound,
That the raging torrent of grief is strong,
And beneath all that,
Emptiness abounds.

Embracing the emptiness,
The raging torrent of questions and emotions,
That is the place this day in the story invites us into.

From our place, we know new life will come,
But let us experience the emptiness,
The guilt, the grief, the confusion, the shock, the pain.
It’s as we experience that fully,
That strangely a new life we never thought would come,
Meets us powerfully in ways we never thought imaginable.